Posts categorized "Sex"

What are the basic elements of a perfect sexual relationship?

Sex is divine. Most people feel an irresistible urge for perfect sex. When we get sex right, nothing in life is more enjoyable. But such great power must be approached with respect and handled with wisdom. Otherwise, sex has the power to destroy.

When the following 3 conditions are met in your sexual relationships, then nobody gets hurt, no damage is done, and the relationship is as healthy and beneficial as it is enjoyable. Sex is good, right, and healthy when:

There is open and honest communication:

Too often, seduction involves deception. Maybe there is an implicit promise of forever—or at least of an ongoing monogamous relationship—when that is not the real intention of one or both parties. Others settle for a less than perfect sex life because they are afraid to talk about their likes, dislikes, or expectations in an attempt to please a partner.

The simple rule here is: whatever is on your mind, whatever you want, whatever you feel, you both need to share it. Open and honest communication requires a relationship based upon patience and acceptance—involving no judgement or attack. If you miss the mark of perfect honesty or perfect acceptance of the other person’s honesty, you can apologize, talk about the error, and try again.

It is important to mention that the openness and honestly does not only extent to the two people in the sexual relationship. Honesty also must extend to anyone else in your lives who may be legitimately impacted. Non-monogamy can work, but only if there is perfect honesty and openness in all your intimate relationships.  

There is compatibility:

If there is no physical attraction both ways—no genuine excitement or mild obsession when you think about or look at a person—there is no point to forming a sexual relationship at all. Furthermore, your likes and preferences should be compatible in bed and even with respect to your life situation. If there is no fit, accept the situation, move on, and allow the relationship to be whatever it is (or is not).

The relationship is loving:

Your job is not to judge whether the other person is loving; rather, for you to be loving in everything you feel, say, and do. We are talking about your relationship with a person who is willing to share everything with you, to bare themselves completely, to experience the ultimate vulnerability that can be shared between two people. Whether or not you both intend to stay together forever, such a relationship must be approached with the thought system and value system of love.

Perhaps no word is more misunderstood in this world than “love”. Perfect love is not something you get from another person. It is found within as you learn to love yourself. As you begin to discover love’s forgiveness, acceptance, patience, peace, and bliss, you are naturally more capable of extending it to others. As you do, you find that your relationships are wonderful, and nobody gets hurt.

Perfect love unlocks the other two elements. Without love, perfect honesty is impossible because it is often nasty. No one wants your judgements, manipulations, or attacks. Without love, there can also be no compatibility because you are not offering anything desirable.

When we stray from these three perfect conditions, the sex isn’t as good and there are negative consequences that are more severe than any pleasure we get from the sex. But if you can truly put these principles into practice, and even gently show your partners how to do the same, you can enjoy an ongoing sex life that is better than your wildest fantasies.

Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment. We continue tomorrow and each day after that.

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Posted by Abscondo

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How to achieve honesty in a relationship?

Yesterday, a friend told me that she is afraid of getting bored in a relationship—ending up being just two strangers living next to each other without emotions. Worse yet, she strongly dislikes dishonesty. She also says that losing trust is what scares her the most and left me with a few questions:


How can you preserve trust?

As I have said and written about repeatedly, you can only trust your partner if you have first offered unconditional love. The mind finds this statement ironic and confusing.  How can I offer unconditional love / acceptance in a situation where, for example, I have been deceived?

Turn this around. What is the cause of deceit? Do we not lie, deceive, or cheat to avoid rules, expectations, and the negative consequence of speaking or living our truth? Would anyone have a reason to deceive if unconditional acceptance and the possibility for total openness was first made real?

It might take some time to create such a relationship—time to know with any degree of certainty that you will not be punished for your truth, some practice learning to tell and live your truth lovingly and sensitively, and you may need to work through any emotions that do exist. But this is what a relationship is and it is fun—particularly if you start from the very beginning, before there is so much codependence and attachment. If there is true love, you can always find a way to love the person truly and to accept exactly who he or she honestly is.

Offer your partner the possibility of unconditional love right from the start and always. Make no rules and set no expectations about anything. When something is said, done, or wanted that causes an emotional challenge, talk openly about it. Give your partner a chance to show he or she loves you, to explain things fully, to help you understand and feel understood. Love will melt away any negative emotions. In the end, you will grow closer. One day, the trust will be so great that you no longer need to go through this process.


Is it possible to regain trust once it has broken?

If there is love, then yes. You can use this same approach. Reveal all your feelings about the situation, reveal how much it hurts, and repeat that there is never a reason to deceive. You want to know what’s going on and will not punish. You want to accept everything. You just want to know the truth. You want the opportunity to love the person for who he or she truly is.

Unconditional love does not mean that you are stuck with an abuser. That would be a condition. It is possible to love the truth about someone, to love their heart and soul, but also come to the recognition that you are not loved in return or that living together isn’t healthy. Unconditional love means that you do not attach your love to a set of rules or conditions and then withdraw love and affection when they are not met. That isn’t love; rather, an arrangement.

The conditional relationship also leads to my friend’s first concern: feeling isolated and bored. This happens when you are forced to hide who you are, or when you force your partner to do the same.

Creating a relationship based on love requires that you drop your pride and humble yourself. Your partner’s needs, habits, and perspectives are not an attack on you. It is about him or here. At the same time, humbling yourself does not mean that you ignore your needs.

By offering unconditional love, which can only happen after you learn self-love, you must also offer yourself the possibility of perfect honesty, openness, and acceptance. If your partner is not interested in unconditional love, acceptance, and openness, then you can be honest anyway and let the relationship run its natural course. Either you are loved for who you are, or you are not loved. Have patience, learn this dance together, and you will create the most beautiful, eternal relationship.

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Posted by Abscondo

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What should I do about cheating and my feelings of jealousy?

No matter what is going on in the world, the most popular topic on this blog is sex. While I have written proportionately little about sex, the topic of sex is what people are searching for. When people contact me, it is usually with questions about their romantic relationship and, more specifically, about jealousy and sex.

My position on jealousy, cheating, monogamy and sex is always the same, without exception, and it is completely clear. It is a position that is in full alignment with all the spiritual lessons being taught here—including lessons of acceptance, openness, wanting only truth, and enjoying life.

There are no exceptions to unconditional love. As A Course in Miracles states, “There are no exceptions to the lesson, because the lack of exceptions is the lesson.” Can a love relationship be perfect, complete, and unconditional if there are conditions placed upon it? No.

People ask, “what about in the case of cheating?” To that, I answer: if there has been cheating, then there must have been an arrangement where the total truth, full openness, and acceptance of each other has been made impossible. This undoing of love is typically done through rules. Rules are typically backed by threats.

In a normal relationship based upon rules and expectations, the feeling of closeness is impossible because a part of you is rejected. Now the feeling of love is eroded, resentment ensues, a strong need for unconditional love remains. So the desire to cheat becomes very real. Even when there is no cheating, to impose a boundary on a partner means that you can no longer be sure what your partner is thinking, wanting, feeling, or doing. This hurts.

A holy relationship is between two spiritually awakened individuals united by unconditional love. Here there are no rules. In love, all feelings can be accepted and shared openly. All challenges can be solved. All needs can be met. No demands are ever placed upon the other. Nothing needs to be hidden, and you can both be free.

“What about sex with other people?” If your partner has a real need, and you claim to love this person, you must love the whole person. This must go both ways. What you may find is that, in a holy relationship, the burning need for someone new is greatly diminished. No other person can provide what you already have. If there is still some need remaining, some strong curiosity or passion for something, then it can be approached in the spirit of fun—because you both know that your love is eternal and no other person is going to threaten your perfect relationship.

This is not how the world does relationships. This is why the vast majority of relationships in the world are miserable, why people lie and cheat, and why parents separate. The approach I am describing is not a matter of opinion. I am describing the unchangeable reality of romantic relationships and marriages. You can ignore it, but the result will be suffering and crisis. The purpose of all the pain we go through in relationships is to teach us the lesson about this unchangeable truth.

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Posted by Abscondo

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What is the cause of sexual perversion and sex crimes?

My answer is simple: sexual repression. Apparently, some people do not have much a sex drive. Most people do. Some do not have crazy fantasies and are not willing to experience something sexually exciting just because it feels good and is fun. Most people do and would.

But the whole world tells us that our sexual needs are bad and wrong. We are instantly punished at the mention of our sexual truths. We are forcefully driven into hiding and secrecy, where the fantasies become ever crazier and the needs ever stronger.

The healthy way to respond to a real sexual need is to enjoy it. You can be open about it with the right people. See if you can find someone who shares that fantasy or need. You can get to know each other. You can establish trust and respect. If you are both turned on, you can easily consent to doing whatever you want to and enjoy it fully.

This healthy attitude about sex never involves manipulation and certainly not prostitution or any other form of exploitation or abuse. You can have fun and try anything. You can find out what something is (or is not) and move on with life without all the obsession. You can get unstuck and free yourself from the frustrations of an unfulfilling sex life. In the process, you might even find true love. At the very least, you will form loving friendships.

Unfortunately, most people respond to sexual repression in an unhealthy way. They hide their deepest fantasies from others. The carnal drive toward human intimacy then becomes pornographic and detached from human relationships. People are objectified only as bodies to be conquered and exploited—not as sacred human beings who deserve love and respect.  

The sexually sick then manipulate people for sex. They may take advantage of their authority over people. They may cross boundaries and commit crimes. They may cheat on spouses and break families. They may use drugs to numb the pain. This is the spiral into madness, which can only end in the tragedy of crisis.

To want wild sex is normal, and there is a healthy response. If you are struggling with sexual repression, obsessed by unfulfilled fantasies, I know it can feel terribly frustrating. This very real part of you seems to make no sense from a rational perspective. You may even hate yourself for it.

But if your sexual needs are real for you, then you can embrace them. If a partner claims to love you, then this person can love everything about you—even this. You can give a partner this same freedom. Whatever turns you on is possible—but it needs to be done in truth and with love.

You cannot use people, but you can enjoy everything with them. Sin is where love is not. You can fulfill your sexual needs, but only in honesty and in truth. No cheating.     
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Posted by Abscondo

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Abscondo tells his true story of marriage, sex, monogamy, polyamory, threesomes & cheating.

I talk a lot about being open and honest, but before this video I was still holding back. Today I share the true story of my marriage, my sex life, my affairs, divorce, threesomes, and what I have learned along the way.

There is a way to overcome jealousy, live your fantasies, and avoid problems in romantic relationships. You can create a lasting, life-long, blissful union without arguments, resentment, or sacrifice.

This is part one. 

Part two is a short conclusion to the talk. You can find out how to put some of these ideas into practice by visiting this blog every day and enjoy the free daily teachings, free eBooks, a podcast and so much more.

Posted by Abscondo

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The ego has a very interesting relationship with the body

The ego's purpose for the body is only to serve itself. Some egos demand incomprehensible dedication to transform the body into a maximally attractive temple to itself.

The purpose behind the endless hours of painful workouts and dieting is not so much to attract lovers or enjoy sex--for that would demand openness and intimacy, which the ego cannot do. The purpose; rather, is only to prove superiority by being the most physically attractive.

The ego loves attention and lustful stares, only because each is seen as a testament to its grandiosity and a boost to its ugly need for pride.

Sometimes, particularly for men, the lustful or jealous stares don't come even if you are physically attractive. Now, to get that boost of pride, seduction is required. Here come the one night stands. Bodies must be conquered, false promises made, cruel games played, the more the better; not exactly for the joy of sex (though sex always feels good), rather, to win and prove superiority.

Most egos don't win at this game. There can only be one fittest body in any room. It then tries to adorn the body with more attractive clothes, it may buy expensive cars, possessions, and use countless other strategies to appear more attractive. But, at some point, we all lose at this game.

Some people give up early in life, some in marriage when the game is no longer allowed, others later on in old age. Now the defeated, victim ego uses the body to numb its pain. Now comes the food binges, the addictions, the total destruction and neglect of a body that has failed to serve its delusional purposes.

The ego is no friend to the body; rather, an exploiter that looks upon it and uses it lovelessly and in disgust. This is the root of sickness and disease.

An awakened person, one who has made the decision to escape the ego, truly loves the body, accepts it as it is, nurtures it, enjoys it, and offers the same loving attention and care to the bodies of loved ones. This person sees no competition, only beauty where it lies. This person is never ill, and looks very good even into old age. This is self-love.

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Posted by Abscondo

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Life changes when you stop agreeing to everything that is harming you

They told you it is good and right to pay attention to the news, and you agreed, and so you do. With any luck, at some point in life, you realize that nothing they report is actually true...and is only designed to cause fear and suffering in you. But you agreed to it, so you continue to watch it anyway.

They told you that you have to get a job and work at least 40 hours per week. You agreed, and so that's what you do. With any luck, at some point, you realize that the money isn't enough, jobs are temporary, and they cause you exhaustion and misery. But you agreed to it, so you set the alarm each day and do it anyway.

They told you that you have to commit to lifelong monogamy as soon as you love a person. That sounded right, so you agreed, and so that's what you do and force your partner to do. At some point, you realize that this is a great source of suffering and you fail at it. But you agreed to it, so you suppress your feelings, maybe even lie, deceive or cheat until the relationship finally falls apart.

They told you that you have to fight, attack others, punish children, distrust strangers, sacrifice, go into debt, obey, comply...and you do because you agreed to it.

Life changes when you stop agreeing to everything that is harming you. Do not fight to change the demands of those who would control or exploit you; rather, simply disagree and live in truth. You are the authority of you, and this is perfectly natural and right.

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Posted by Abscondo

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Can sexual freedom be loving, non-destructive and guiltless?

Deep down, most people would enjoy a life in which it is possible to freely explore sexual adventures involving many partners. What holds us back from following our intense, natural cravings is that we want to avoid making someone jealous. As thrilling and enjoyable as perfect sex can be, we clearly understand that no sex is worth causing terrible pain, ruining a relationship, or harming anyone’s life in any way. So, the simple solution that most people choose is to suppress our needs around sex.

The main reason we suppress our sexual needs is because of the sexual jealousy of others; mainly, our primary partners. The problem is that forced-monogamous relationships are built upon a foundation that is both fragile and less than honest. For most people, the promise of life-long monogamy brings with it great and ongoing struggles and frustrations. By suppressing sex, we close our hearts and minds to new people, we cut ourselves off from other beautiful human beings, and many of us slowly sink into depression and low energy.

So we drink more, we eat junk food, we smoke, we watch trash entertainment, we engage in safe small-talk, and we form all sorts of bad habits to distract us from the simple problem that we are not free and we are not honest. Worse yet, none of this works.

Despite our best intentions, most people with strong sexual needs end up breaking relationships and cheating. They just can’t take it anymore and nature wins. The more you make something off-limits, the more you want it. In the beginning of a relationship, it is easy to promise monogamy. You have that new relationship energy (NRE), you are in love, you communicate freely, you respect one another—everything feels right and the need for sexual variety is minimal.

But by making the promise of lifelong monogamy to anyone, you cut off the possibility of perfect honesty if your heart ever changes, and you remove unconditional acceptance and freedom from the relationship. The relationship then becomes not about unconditional love, acceptance, openness, and trust; rather, it slowly becomes a job where you must live up to expectations and conditions.

The normal marriage is all about the promise of monogamy. But inevitably, one or both partners will have strong feelings and needs that violate the promise. When this happens, lies follow, maybe eventually cheating, and everything breaks. It is a story we know all too well, and yet we continue to do relationships as though it isn’t going to happen to us.

There is a better way to do relationships, and it works perfectly. From the very beginning, you can lovingly explain to your partner that you will never require them to be sexually or emotionally monogamous—and of course that you would require the same in return if you are going to be together. You know it is going to be very difficult to overcome sexual jealousy, but it is possible, and the alternative to dealing with jealousy is worse, and that for the purpose of your sacred love and respect toward one another, you can do this.

This doesn’t mean that you are going to be desperately running around with other people all the time. In fact, you may never even have the need or the opportunity. But, if the relationship is going to be based on true love rather than control and manipulation, you have to both maintain the right to be sexually free if there is ever a need.

How you go about practicing non-monogamy is for you both to explore and to decide. It will be a personal choice that always honors the needs and feelings of your partner. You need to learn the language of love, talk about your relationship, how you feel, why your partner is the right person for you to spend a lifetime with, how no other person is a better fit and how relationships with other people only remind you of this—and all of this needs to be true or you should never live together or have children in the first place.

I can assure you, through personal experience, that the result of such a relationship is the experience of ongoing bliss and love—which grows even stronger as the years go by. Imagine the closeness you would feel with someone with whom you can express yourself fully, at the deepest levels. Imagine how much you would appreciate enjoying your sexual freedom—with consenting adults who you are honest with—without risk or shame. If either of you find yourself going down that scary path of jealous thoughts, you can talk about it, accept that it is happening, and it will dissolve in the light of your perfect love.

If you are already in a monogamous relationship and your partner will not consider opening it up, I sincerely don’t know what to tell you. I do believe we should live in perfect honesty, and this is what I have done in my life; but your choice is entirely yours. If you are currently single or starting a new relationship, then this is the way to build a foundation of perfect stability and lasting love and joy. Try it. We continue tomorrow and each day after that.

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Posted by Abscondo

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