Posts categorized "Relationships"

Does the perfect relationship exist?

The world has come to accept the idea that a committed relationship or marriage must involve sacrifice, that you can’t have it all, and that there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. They say that, for a relationship to work, both partners need to compromise.

So, we withhold some degree of openness and perfect honesty right from the start. Couples cut themselves off from the world and consciously design a life situation where personal freedom is sacrificed at the altar of a relationship that is supposed to save us. But how can salvation be found in any situation where we can’t be entirely open, honest or free?

We try to become close to one person so that we are no longer lonely, yet we end up suffocating because so much of who we are is no longer accepted and can no longer be expressed. Sex is a huge part of any romantic connection, yet we repress our sexual needs for the supposed purpose of having them met within the relationship. Is it not insane to sacrifice the very thing we are attempting to get and still expect to get it? Thus is the error of all sacrifice.

It is no wonder that relationships in this world are so broken. Marriages fail all the time and in so many ways. Parents and children then endure the nastiness of divorce, broken homes, financial ruin, and ongoing war between people who once promised their undying love and loyalty. Others stay together in a closed state of existence where there is no inspiration, no excitement, no joy—numbing their pain with alcohol, junk food, and junk entertainment which quickens the slide into old age.

The media makes countless jokes about this tragic situation. Everyone has learned to accept it, yet none of this is in any way acceptable or even necessary. If you want endless love, lasting joy, perfect freedom and closeness, then there is an entirely different and superior way to do relationships. I am going to be perfectly, unapologetically honest because this truth cannot be shared by holding anything back.

My partner, Zuzana, and I have been together for roughly 5 years. We never fight, disagree, or argue—not because of willpower, but because there is no need. We are completely open about everything. No topic, no thought, no need—nothing at all is off-limits. We are both entirely free, even as we choose to spend most of our time together. Because of the DNA of our relationship, that feeling of excitement, love, and bliss has continued to increase over the years.

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You might think that this is impossible…that I am exaggerating. Friends think we are projecting a false image, or that we simply got lucky and met the right person. It is true that, yes, we are physically attracted to each other and we do share the same tastes. This is an essential starting point; but this alone would not be enough if we were not “doing the relationship” right.

When we first met, we agreed that we would be perfectly honest and open about everything. Furthermore, we agreed that we would not judge one another. Since we don't feel there is anything wrong with either of us, unconditional acceptance was to be the default. If there were any feelings of possessiveness or jealousy, then this would be dealt with directly and lovingly—but we would not sacrifice honesty at the altar of that jealousy. Furthermore, there were to be no promises about anything, no conditions, no expectations. We were, in a sense, simply best friends who were also very attracted to each other and wanted to hang out. The perfect relationship, the perfect love.

“But,” you may ask, “don’t you draw a line when it comes to sex with other people?” No. If there are limits to unconditional love, then it is not unconditional love. If there are limits to perfect honesty and openness, then it is not honesty and openness. If there are limits to freedom, then it is not freedom.

So began our little experiment. We had no goals, no agenda, and in the beginning we certainly did not intend to live together or to have children. We simply enjoyed our connection while it lasted, yet we both remained open to other people, maintained other relationships, and were perfectly honest about it all. When there was jealousy, we went through it together, reassured each other about our true feelings toward each other, and remained rooted in the truth about our relationship. In the beginning, this was not easy, particularly for her (because of my needs).

Many years before we met, I realized that I am polyamorous. I have always been happiest and feel most natural in a situation where I can be close to, and have sex with, more than one woman in my life. When I have attempted to deny this part of myself, I have suffocated in a relationship, I have lied, and eventually have done worse. By the time I met Zuzana, I knew that I would either need to be in an open relationship or be single. Despite my best intentions, monogamy did not make me a good person and; therefore, was not an option for me (no matter how wonderful or perfect any one woman may be).

If we are being honest with ourselves, most people feel this way deep down. You may not have a need to go out and meet somebody new all the time, but you surely would like the option if there ever is a need. The problem with this, of course, is that if you grant yourself this right, then any fair person must also offer the same to their partner. Thus, we must confront our own sexual jealousy.

Sexual jealousy seems like the scariest thing in the world to deal with. But far worse than any sexual act is deception. Most people equate non-monogamy with cheating, but it is not the same thing. Cheating breaks all trust in a relationship, making forbidden sex with another person seem more important than the relationship. In truth, sex is never is that important. People cheat either because it is so much fun or because they are lacking intimacy and closeness in the relationship. But, to the person being cheated on, confronted with so many lies and so much betrayal, everything breaks. To avoid this sure recipe for crisis, sex must be dealt with, from the very beginning of a relationship, in the light of day.

Early on, I told Zuzana about my lifelong fantasy to have a threesome with two women. At first, she was not sure she could deal with it. I let it be and said nothing more. Days later, she told me that she would try it. Instantly, I felt closer to her than to any woman before. In most cases, when a woman agrees to this, she may not actually need to go through with it. It is not easy to orchestrate such a thing (to find the other woman), and most couples never fulfill the fantasy. Yet, by even giving your partner this possibility, you give him or her such a wonderful gift.

In our case, I did have a friend who was open to exploring this (another wonderful story for another time). So, I introduced the women, they became friends, and we eventually met. What we discovered in this celebration of openness, honesty, and sexual freedom, is that jealousy is not that big of a deal in the act of sexual bliss between true friends. To be perfectly blunt: we found out that if nobody was left out—as long as she and I were able to both experience sexual enjoyment together—jealousy was drown out by the sexual bliss and friendship. It would have been far more difficult if I had gone off on my own with someone and she was left out.

So we found our way of doing non-monogamy, though of course this particular thing wouldn't work for everyone. You and your partner can find our own way of doing this, there's no formula other than unconditional love. The details can be worked out.

Unexpectedly, after this unbelievable dream come true, I found that my need to go off on my own with other women begin to fade. While I continue to stay in touch with others, and even meet new women, since then I've found that none of them were willing to accept me, to love me unconditionally, to be open to anything about me in the way Zuzana is…and so there has been a natural gravity that has always effortlessly pulled me back to her. By accepting me completely, by allowing me everything, by holding my hand through my wildest fantasies, eventually I had no needs that fell outside of our relationship and we naturally and effortlessly started a wonderful life together.

Of course I offer her the same freedom to be with other men. There is no allure of forbidden fruit for either of us because nothing is forbidden. By making nothing off-limits, we can look clearly upon the truth of other people, other relationships, and we both know that the grass cannot be greener than it is here. We are not more attracted to anyone else. There is nobody out there who can fulfil any of our unfulfilled needs (there are none), and so even though we have an open relationship, neither of us goes off on our own to be with anyone else. This is not a rule or expectation; rather, our own, individual choice. If there ever becomes a need, then this is alright too, and we will work through any difficult emotions. 

Since that first polyamorous experience, we have enjoyed other relationships and threesomes with more women. But, for the most part, we live like any married couple (though we will never get married because marriage violates our values). We love our young son and my daughter unconditionally, we thrive in business together, we run an orderly and peaceful household, we pursue our hobbies and passions freely—but at the same time we remain best friends who talk about everything openly and, most importantly, treat each other with the kindest, purest love and respect.

Love and respect is not something that can be demanded from a partner. But if you offer it, along with unconditional love, along with the possibility of perfect honesty without punishment or shame, I assure you that you will receive what you give. Yours will be the sweetest, most loving relationship—a holy relationship—within which everything is natural and everything is sacred. You can have it all, but only by giving all and sacrificing nothing.

Happy birthday, Zuzana, my perfect and eternal love. Thank you for loving me as I am, and for never wanting to restrit my freedom to tell the world our perfect story. You made it possible for me to be me, for my life to be filled with joy, for me to truly love, and you know I am yours forever. I accept you unconditionally, I celebrate your happiness just as you do mine, and I would change absolutely nothing about you or us. Thank you for joining me in this unbelievable bliss that is our relationship.

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Posted by Abscondo

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How the 2020's are the decade that healed the world

We all felt it, as 2019 passed into the rear view and we were thrusted into the 2020’s, that the world was going to change. My, how it has, and how beautiful it is to be alive now!

I said at the beginning of this crisis in this and several other posts and podcasts, that this is the beginning of the collapse of ego. With one news cycle of fear and panic right at the start of the decade, the ego’s insanity and dysfunction has been exposed. Now there is no going back, and the egoic mind can no longer function in a way that would allow anyone in its grip to survive.

The pleasures of ego are gone for good—the symbols of consumerism, luxury travel, crazy parties, pointless flights around the world, the growing economies that supported purchases of extravagant cars and real estate. Now the ego offers nothing anyone would want. Utterly abandoning all appearance of sanity for total fear, how the ego suffocates us by forcing face masks in the mall, embracing social distancing—those who follow this way of thinking may never experience a passionate kiss or have great sex again. This version of salvation is only a vision of death.

What once made the ego desirable was its pride, and the possibility of pride is fading fast. While once cool, those in the grip of ego now present a laughable image—fearful, confused, silent, unfree, fading into obscurity. This will continue, and not because anyone imposed this destiny upon anyone; rather, because the ego did it to itself. Game over.

Those who are in their 30’s or 40’s and still single, waiting, unable to function in a relationship—now will not have children because they are even more afraid of new people, even more isolated, judgmental, unable to enjoy the present moment, utterly paralyzed. Thankfully, they will not pass on these values of death to any children, and so the earth may be slowly rescued. The false images of oh-so-hot singles on Instagram are not quite as common, the activity on Tinder declining, and the old, dysfunctional ways of serial monogamy is clearly exhausting and pointless. Now is the time for true, actual love—something the ego knows nothing of and cannot do.

Those in the grip of ego who already have children are no longer presenting much of an example to those children for them to aspire to. They are no longer able to project the false images of the perfect family, no longer able to convince their children that school matters (when it so easily closes) and a good job is salvation (when their parents are losing those jobs). This style of parenting no longer offers much. Children are watching and are learning well. They will not cling to the same illusions, will not repeat the same mistakes, and so the earth shall heal.

Thus, the 2020’s is the decade in which everything changes. What survives is truth, authenticity, humility—the values of love. What we will enjoy is what the spiritually awakened have been able to enjoy throughout this so-called crisis—the present moment, perfect relationships, perfect health, time in nature, cooking, listening to music, reading, sex, wine, romance, creating, serving others, being.

The teachings of all the great spiritual traditions are proving to be exactly true. What is real is that which has always been real—that which has been covered up by all the endless distractions and illusions—the spectacle of the media, sports, consumerism, ridiculous makeup, luxury travel, designer clothes, obscenely large houses and cars, and false identities attached to our work. This illusion is being exposed.

The meek shall inherit the earth—those who create value, serve others, love themselves and others openly, accept others fully, and let go of all fear, all illusion, all that which is temporary, meaningless, nasty and false. What a beautiful time to be alive! We continue tomorrow and each day after that.  

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About the new song "Us (Friendship)" from the Life Light album

The final track on the Life Light album is a playful, yet meaningful song about the difficulty in forming friendships and relationships with people who are closed. The ego is suspicious at best and vicious at worst, which makes any close connection with someone who lives in the egoic state (the vast majority of people today) impossible.

Throughout my adult life, I've always felt too isolated and lonely. Even while in a close relationship or marriage, union with one person never felt like enough. I never have understood how people can choose to live so cut-off, trapped either alone or in one jealous relationship. Furthermore, rather than finding reasons to connect and celebrate life, people constantly judge and focus on differences. Yet it is precisely in those differences that relationships have value, flavor, color.

On the level of the soul, we are all the same. All sharing the same core needs, we are one and we crave closeness. This is what makes us truly happy...so much so that we forget the problems of the world. Yet the mind is so utterly confused about love that it does everything possible to block union by finding problems, differences, projecting and attacking. Back when I had an ego, I was able to form drama-based relationships with other egos (with brief moments of true love or friendship). But now, after my awakening, it is more difficult. Ego and spirit cannot communicate at all. Nothing I am, do, or say feeds the ego in the other, and so I have become useless to egos.

I remain entirely open, loving everyone and everything, without limits or restrictions. I am grateful for my one holy relationship and my partner and I remain open to others who are also open. "Us (Friendship)" is a fun song that might even make you smile. Listen here.

"Us (Friendship)" by Abscondo

The album will be available everywhere in the coming days or weeks, but in the meantime you can listen to our download the full album on Bandcamp.

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Lyrics:
Why is friendship not much fun anymore?
Why’s it so hard to get people to explore?
What is it they’d rather do
Than spend some time with you?

I admit sometimes I push too hard
I say things that sometimes go too far
But there’s nothing I would rather do
Then spend my time with you.

Why’s it so hard to get people to agree
To open up and be themselves with me?
Doesn’t it frustrate you too
How they hide themselves from you?

I admit sometimes I say too much
I say things that maybe shake you up
But there’s nothing I’d rather do
Then say these things to you

You know I like you
I’d like to show you
And when I know you
Then you will know you too

I know this scares you
And you will run away
I will let you go
There’s nothing I can say
What’s real between us cannot be lost

 

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About the song "Light" by Abscondo

Too often, people look to relationships and marriage expecting someone else to make them happy. When two people do this together, the absurdity of the situation is quite evident. Here you have two individuals who have not yet discovered the inner source of joy, the escape from ego as the one and only way to end suffering, who are both looking to get from the other what they do not possess.

This type of relationship usually doesn't last. By relying upon anyone else as your source of happiness, your expectations are impossible to meet and you end up blaming the other person when you fail to get that impossible thing you expected. Eventually, the relationship is filled with bitterness and resentment. 

Yes, a new relationship is very exciting. You can forget your problems for a while, you can explore that new relationship energy, you can open your heart and mind...for a time, you do become happy. But it is not the object of your affection that brings you feelings of loving bliss; rather, your decision to give and receive love.

If two lovers learn to live in the state where love flourishes, then that blissful feeling will never fade. Love flows from within, and a perfect relationship is one where the source of love is known and it is never restricted.  

As the song declares, "baby doesn't need a ring...that ain't the solution to her suffering...gotta turn her light on." This is a fun, playful, 2-chord song with really no structure (I'm not even sure what the chords are!). Like "Now (Out Here Alone)", it came out in one take and I didn't change it. Enjoy!

"Light" by Abscondo

Life light Cover

Lyrics:

Baby doesn’t need a ring
That’s not the solution to her suffering
Gotta turn her light on
Gonna turn her light on
Where she goes, I go
Where we go, I know
That everything we do and everything we say
Are of the purest intentions
And what we don’t even mention
Is what we need to do
And what we need to be
I won’t do that to you
Please don’t do that to me
Because we already are everything

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Abscondo Podcast #87: How to end racism, police brutality and oppression

Here's a controversial and unorthodox solution to solve the problem rather than continually escalating it with more attack and counterattack.

You can also find the Abscondo Podcast wherever you normally listen to or download podcasts.

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When you want only love, you will see nothing else. (A Course in Miracles)

Nothing but love is real. As tangible and solid as all else may seem, everything other than love will dissolve like any dream after waking.

If you then want only more dreams, that is all you will see. Resisting this, chasing that, never finding anything real—life will then become a roller coaster of ups and downs, seemingly meaningless and hopeless.

You get in life exactly what you want. Love is real, and nothing beyond it is. Love appears wherever you place it, wherever you extend it—but only after you have found it within.

A Course in Miracles says, “The power of decision is your one remaining freedom as a prisoner of this world. You can decide to see it right.” Seeing it right is the choice for perfect love over fear. Perfect love always casts out fear and is the one condition for salvation.

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They say that people who place their own interests above the interests of others are selfish. But what are self-interests? For that matter, what is the self?

The concept of selfishness can only make sense to the ego. The spiritually awakened, those who have transcended ego, understand that the self is the divine essence, the soul, the spirit—formless consciousness itself. If conscious presence—awareness itself—is our true identity (our true self) beyond physical form, then our only wish is for everyone to perfectly align with the self.

To know thyself is to know that what is true in me is exactly the same as what is true in you. We all want to feel good, to be understood, to be free to express ourselves, to experience ongoing joy, beauty, safety, inspiration, to give of ourselves and to receive, and to exist in a way that is absent of negative emotions. To align with this true self is to effortlessly come together in perfect unity, in oneness, where we exist harmoniously. This is only attained when we know the nature of the true self and align with it.

The self is love, and our self-interests are what love feels like, what love is, and what love does. For love to flourish, what is required is an open heart and an open mind. The ability to love ourselves, and to extend that love to others, is true freedom. Therefore, anything that restricts this freedom is an error because it is against truth, beauty, and love.

But the sickness called ego seeks salvation through a battle to get more, to take from, to be better than others or more right. When the ego perceives someone else as winning this game (a game that it is also playing), it attempts to project “selfishness” onto the other; thus, making the other wrong through shame and guilt and its false sense of self, therefore, right and superior.

The result of projecting the ego’s concept of selfishness onto others is really only a strengthening of the ego’s false sense of self. If successful, the ego makes the other guilty and then attempts to claim the authority to manipulate, control, or punish. Therefore, the projection of so-called selfishness is, in itself, the ultimate act of selfishness because it is a manipulation that fails to honor and respect everyone’s dignity, free will, and ability for each of us to do what we came to this world to do.

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The Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13:3-8)

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It is said that we reap what we sow. If we are metaphorically planting seeds each day, maintaining the proper conditions, and waiting patiently for the harvest; then abundance will materialize seemingly on its own.

While everyone’s intentions are good, many cannot tell the good seed from the bad. They plant seeds of attack, negativity and oppression. Their harvest will surely come, but it will bear no fruit.

Others are in possession of good seed, but they may lazily scatter it on the path—which can only happen when little attention is paid to the task at hand. For them, there will also be no fruit.

Still others plant seeds in shallow soil. Here is lacking patience; rather, only a desire to get the fastest possible result. The planting and nurturing is not enjoyed as an end, detached from the outcome. At first, sprouts do shoot up and the results seem promising. However, because there is no root, the plants cannot survive and the fruits never materialize.

To plant seeds on good soil is to do the right thing while also paying attention to your inner state of being. Your joy, your love, your positive state is the richest of soils. As you go about your planting, pay attention to how you feel. Do not dwell on the goal or the outcome; rather, enjoy the ongoing present moment fully and notice the beauty in everything.

Your harvest does not require you to sacrifice feeling good; rather, it demands the opposite. Take your time, resting in the peace of God, absent of fear, aligned with the feeling and energy of unconditional love. When all your planting is of good seeds in fertile soul, your fruit will grow on its own and your abundance is inevitable. 

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Attacks directed at you are not about you; rather, about the unmet needs of the attacker.

The world teaches that attack is the way to get what we want. We have been taught to use attack, and many other forms of nastiness, to teach lessons and to correct the behaviors of others. So we attack with good intentions, though it is never perceived this way by the one being attacked.

To acknowledge this is to clearly see that attack does not work because the true meaning and intention of the communicator is not communicated. Instead, attack creates an emotional, negative escalation of counterattack, insult, anger, resentment and even rebellion—all making it nearly impossible to achieve the objective behind the attack.

The fact that anyone in this world still believes in attack, after a lifetime of personal experience which testifies to its utter ineffectiveness, is insane. Because we have not been taught another way, attack in this world remains the dominant method of communication. 

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A Course in Miracles teaches us to see attack as a cry for help. Attack originates from an unmet need. We can, therefore, ignore the attack—for there is something more real behind it. We can ignore attack entirely and then communicate in a way that addresses the unmet need. Of course, the unmet need is always love. There is no real need within us that is not fulfilled in perfect love.

To end attack, to coexist with others in joy and harmony, simply learn to communicate in honesty, on the level of the unmet need. Extend this to your brothers and sisters and you will teach them to do the same with you. Love dissolves conflict by satisfying the unmet needs so that fear and attack no longer arise.

To learn the required skills, I recommend watching Marshall Rosenberg's lessons on non-violent communication on YouTube. 

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Abscondo Podcast #84: Relationships in these times

How might our families and relationships start to change now?

 

Abscondo Podcast 84

 

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