Posts categorized "Relationships"

Why do people lie?

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Nobody wants to lie. We only do it because we are afraid of what someone might say or do in response to our truth. People learn to tell you the truth to the extent that you unconditionally accept what they are saying and who they are.

To lie is always an error for many reasons. But putting someone in a position where they feel the need to do so is much worse. Nobody has the right to project their own arbitrary preferences and tastes upon someone else through a set of rules and expectations, and then attack or call them a liar when they cannot comply. This shows zero love or respect.

When you understand this, you can easily forgive lies is by making it 100% clear that, with you, there is no need to hide anything. You can always accept someone's truth calmly. This creates the space, the trust, the openness required for a beautiful relationship to flourish.

Posted by Abscondo

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Many resist what they do not want; few allow what they do.

Saying no to what we don't want requires some bravery, but it is only the first step toward claiming freedom. Too often, we get stuck on the level of resistance and eventually end up in a sort of paralysis where no positive steps are taken toward what we do want.

The best way to resist something we do not want is to take the opposite journey toward what we do. The best way to end a bad relationship is to open your heart and mind to a perfect one. The way to break an unhealthy behavior such as an addiction is to become obsessed with healthy habits instead. Likewise, if you are going to quit a low-paying job, do so by starting a high-paying business.

Too often, we claim our power to resist something seen as negative only to end up waiting around for someone else to bring us what we want. This doesn't work. Politicians are not going to save us. The economy is not going to be fair. The next romantic interest is not going to make anyone happy. More likely, the cycle of resistance and waiting around will only continue.

Focus on what you do want. Openly and honestly do exactly what inspires you because doing is knowing. This is how you move forward in life and get unstuck. You find out what something is and what it isn't. This is the proactive approach to life, and the only way to be and to experience everything you want during your stay in this dimension. Enjoy!

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Posted by Abscondo

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Abscondo tells his true story of marriage, sex, monogamy, polyamory, threesomes & cheating.

I talk a lot about being open and honest, but before this video I was still holding back. Today I share the true story of my marriage, my sex life, my affairs, divorce, threesomes, and what I have learned along the way.

There is a way to overcome jealousy, live your fantasies, and avoid problems in romantic relationships. You can create a lasting, life-long, blissful union without arguments, resentment, or sacrifice.

This is part one. 

Part two is a short conclusion to the talk. You can find out how to put some of these ideas into practice by visiting this blog every day and enjoy the free daily teachings, free eBooks, a podcast and so much more.

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Abscondo Podcast #89: How to end violence now

If you going to listen to or read just one thing I've written or said, make it this podcast episode. 

You can also listen to the Abscondo Podcast wherever you normally listen to podcasts.

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Erotic love is not love

In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm writes “One can often find two people “in love” with each other who feel no love for anybody else. Their love is, in fact, an egotism a deux; they are two people who identify themselves with each other, and who solve the problem of separateness by enlarging the single individual into two. They have the experience of overcoming aloneness, yet, since they are separated from the rest of mankind, they remain separated from each other and alienated from themselves; their experience of union is an illusion.”

The word “love” is so badly misunderstood because this, what Erich Fromm calls “erotic love”, is the only meaning most people attach to the word. But, in the truest sense, erotic love isn’t love. It is like a drug, or a wild thrill that can be triggered by any intense feeling between two people who find each other physically attractive.

If this encompasses the full extent of one’s understanding of love, the experience of erotic love will be just as short and fleeting as it is intense. Eventually, the blissful feelings begin to fade, and there arises a desire to move on to the next relationship, as though it will be different the next time.

Erotic love is one of the greatest thrills of life, a celebration of being alive, and is almost surely the most fun an adult can have. But it is not the source of love, it is not salvation, and clearly not the path toward lasting happiness.

To achieve lasting joy and the end of suffering, we need what I call perfect, or unconditional love. Erich Fromm breaks this down into self-love, brotherly love, motherly and fatherly love, and the love of God—which are all forms of real love that are experienced from beyond the ego.

Only a person who first comes to know love can experience erotic love in a way that is entirely different—even opposite from—the way romantic relationships and marriages are typically experienced. To the awakened person (one who fully knows what love is), the erotic relationship is joyful play and just as fun as ever; but there is no pressure to make it more than it is. This is true love, or what A Course in Miracles calls the holy relationship.     

 

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Posted by Abscondo

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The life review and the near-death experience

In Mark Gober’s extensively researched book, An End to Upside Down Thinking, he examines thousands of personal accounts of near-death experiences (when a person’s body and brain is physically dead for a short time and then brought back to life). One of his fascinating findings is the regular reporting of what is called a “life review.”

As reported by one individual, “Every second from birth until death you will see and feel, and you will experience your emotions and others that you hurt, and feel their pain and emotions. What this is for is so you can see what kind of person you were and how you treated others from another vantage point.”

This is all experienced in an instant—a total picture of the truth of your life and that of everyone who you affected. Others even reported seeing truths that their spouses or loved ones kept hidden. Think about that.

Another individual who experienced this explains, “Not only did I perceive everything from my own viewpoint, but I also knew the thoughts of everyone involved in the event, as if I had their thoughts within me. This meant that I perceived not only what I had done or thought, but even in what way it had influenced others.”

Read this breakthrough book yourself and come to your own conclusions about the nature of consciousness, but ask yourself this: if, at the moment of death, everything true about our lives is revealed to us in an instant—if this is part of the process that determines what happens to us when we die—and if everyone we love will go through the same process when they die—do we want to lie to anyone we love? Do we want to harm anyone and be forced to confront the effects in our dying moment? Do we want anyone we love to have to deal with what we have kept hidden in their dying moment?

The near-death experience and the life review teach us to choose unconditional love now and always, while we are alive. We can always be honest and open about everything. We can always be accepting and forgiving so that others can do the same.

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Posted by Abscondo

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Reality ensures that nobody gets away with anything

Some people have been taught to believe that life is all about getting what you want. Theirs is a value system centered around one question: what benefits me?

So, they go through life trying to maximize what they get. In their work, they are less than honest and conceive of business models which are more about robbery than value creation. With enough dedication and sacrifice, they often achieve their hollow goals and amass a fortune.

The problem is, so much sacrifice on this path is needed that they lose themselves along the way. They play a false role all the time, which is exhausting and causes depression. Deep down, they also know that they are causing others to suffer—and for what purpose? After all, they are suffering too.

So, there is always this underlying, nagging feeling that they must atone, make things right, change everything. But they don’t; for this would be to lose everything they have sacrificed a lifetime for. The sad truth is that they have gained nothing at all and have sacrificed everything.

In relationships, they are so concerned with getting their way that they are willing to withhold honesty and truth, willing to manipulate others, willing to shame, blame, argue and attack. When their marriages fall apart, they continue to battle—doing whatever it takes to gain custody of the children and grab the money. The problem is, even when they get exactly what they want, they can never escape the nagging feeling that there are so many wrongs which must be made right.

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You can claim the victory you thought you wanted, but if you do so in a way that is less than perfectly honest and perfectly fair, you then must live with the feeling that you need to apologize and make things right. That is an impossible burden to live with day after day, so life becomes hell.

Now it is clear why the thought system of “what benefits me” is fundamentally flawed. True success—the kind that can be fully enjoyed—can come only from a life rooted in perfect honesty and fairness. You give your best to others, which naturally inspires them to give their best back. In business and art, you create true value and beauty and get paid for it. In relationships, you give perfect freedom, understanding, acceptance and you are generous in every way. You are loved for it.

This is the trajectory of increasing abundance—true success that cannot be taken away from you and involves no suffering at any point. It also involves no sacrifice because this kind of life is so much fun. You can sleep perfectly at night and are free of stress because you have a conscious as pure as the white, driven snow.

This is only possible through the thought system of perfect love rather than “what benefits me.” Come here with a pure, open heart and a healed, open mind.

Posted by Abscondo

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Life changes when you stop agreeing to everything that is harming you

They told you it is good and right to pay attention to the news, and you agreed, and so you do. With any luck, at some point in life, you realize that nothing they report is actually true...and is only designed to cause fear and suffering in you. But you agreed to it, so you continue to watch it anyway.

They told you that you have to get a job and work at least 40 hours per week. You agreed, and so that's what you do. With any luck, at some point, you realize that the money isn't enough, jobs are temporary, and they cause you exhaustion and misery. But you agreed to it, so you set the alarm each day and do it anyway.

They told you that you have to commit to lifelong monogamy as soon as you love a person. That sounded right, so you agreed, and so that's what you do and force your partner to do. At some point, you realize that this is a great source of suffering and you fail at it. But you agreed to it, so you suppress your feelings, maybe even lie, deceive or cheat until the relationship finally falls apart.

They told you that you have to fight, attack others, punish children, distrust strangers, sacrifice, go into debt, obey, comply...and you do because you agreed to it.

Life changes when you stop agreeing to everything that is harming you. Do not fight to change the demands of those who would control or exploit you; rather, simply disagree and live in truth. You are the authority of you, and this is perfectly natural and right.

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How expectations harm relationships and families by blocking expressions of love

I spent the last few days living from a tent at a crowded campground in Slovakia. Perhaps nothing exposes people, families, and relationships more than living all together, out in the open.

Now back at my quiet apartment after a nap, my mind is still filled with so many images, colors, sounds. I remember all the energy, the drunken comments, the shallow laughter, the music and constant scurrying about, but what I don't remember seeing or hearing is a single expression of love.

Of course there was kindness; parents doing so much for their children, children obeying, families and friends coming together. But there were no spontaneous hugs, genuine and unexpected smiles of acceptance, or kisses.

I know that expressions of love are not all that important; love is something else. But when there are no expressions of love, I wonder whether something might be blocking love in those relationships. Surely these people love each other, right? So why can't it be said or expressed?

It seems to me that the problem is expectations. Spouses expect from their partners, parents from children, and so on. When we carry the weight of expectations, we become exhausted and resentful. Love gets blocked. We get bitter. Also, when we place our expectations on loved ones, we become disappointed when they fail to live up. Now begins the nagging, the name calling, the outbursts...all in an attempt to change the person. Now there is no possibility for love to be expressed.

Do not take on the expectations of others; rather, just do your best, as you feel inspired to. Do not expect anything from others; rather, allow them to experience the reality of their decisions and behaviors. Let go of all that pressure, because now there is no possibility of conflict. Dirty dishes or unwashed laundry? Perhaps at times. Maybe even a few hungry bellies. And whoever is bothered may even get inspired to do something about it.

When we gently let the reality of all situations be the guide, rather than expectations, we leave room in our hearts for love. If the word "love" is regularly spoken in families, if the gestures of love can be fully enjoyed, everything else will come together perfectly. Not from obligation or threat; rather, from the unlimited energy of free-flowing love.

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Posted by Abscondo

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Believe the past is real, and the future will be just like it

The past: a set of ideas about things that, in this present moment, are no longer true. The past and its stories exist only in our minds. As such, the past can be useful, but never real.

Useful, in the sense that we carry what is real about the past with us. Past love, friendships, or creations are real depending upon their existence in the present. Positive habits and work we have done in the past may also be real in that they shape us now. Similarly, errors of the past can be real in the present to the extent that we have learned the lessons and made corrections.

What is real about the past is only that which is real and alive in the present. Therefore, only the present is real. If a relationship or situation from the past holds no relevance to the present, it can be forgotten. If a wrong of the past has been corrected in the present, it should be forgiven.

The question is always this: what is real now? The present is where healing can occur, where progress can be made, where joy can be experienced, where love can be shared, where creation can occur. If what you do now extends on and on—remaining as part of this eternal present moment—then it has become lasting, real, eternal in this holy instant (what the mind would incorrectly understand as a "future” separate from now).

A better future is then, really a better present moment. You remain in a positive state of being. All your doing, relating, and creating is flowing from joy and peace. You and the people around you want this, will reward you for it, and will ask for more. They will experience happiness and goodness with you. Do not wait for the future, create it now.

It is always a question of now. To live as though the past and future are more real than the now is to live in darkness. The ongoing now is the only field where everything exists, has always existed, and always will. To see this obvious reality is to awaken from the mind-based dream, to destroy the ego, to end illusion and confusion, and to embrace all that is real and true. We continue tomorrow and each day after that.

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