Posts categorized "Relationships"

Top 10 reasons why marriage ruins love and is completely unnecessary

If you are thinking about getting married someday, I hope this message inspires you to think twice. If you are already married, I hope these words help you and your partner overcome the damage that marriage may have done to you and that, together, you may heal in love. I’m not against marriage, but I am in favor of perfect love that never fades, inner peace, family stability and joyfulness—all of which marriage fails to deliver.

We’ve all heard the opinions against marriage, but sometimes it feels like deciding against marriage is deciding against life-long companionship, children, stability and all those wonderful things which marriage supposedly brings. Nothing is further from the truth! My position against marriage is a position in favor of everything marriage supposedly offers but fails to do so.

Here are my top 10 reasons that marriage fails to deliver what it promises:

1) Marriage places too much focus on the superficial.

When you are in love with someone and decide to be together forever, you should spend your time celebrating that love in private while at the same time looking at the reality of what it means to bring your lives together. There are the living arrangements, the finances, the household chores, the interests and hobbies you both need space for, the family and friendship relationships in both your lives, and so much more.

What do engaged couples do instead? During the wedding planning phase, they spend far too much time and money on the superficial: wedding dresses, cakes, flowers, venues, guest lists, on and on. So much wasted on things that nobody really cares about—things that have nothing to do with your long-term happiness or success as an individual or a couple.

Wedding planning is a huge distraction from everything a couple should enjoy focusing on and making real steps toward. If you want to spend your life together with someone, why not just get started with life instead of this huge, kind of silly spectacle called a wedding?

2) Marriage often prevents couples from real communication and from finding their true path.

Despite what the movies tell us and everyone believes, there is more than one way to do a committed relationship. When two souls unite and your lives merge, why not start with a blank canvass?

What are your needs and those of your partner? Do you believe in unconditional love? Do you practice total openness? Or are there boundaries that you wish to clearly establish? How do you feel about meaningful communication with exes or even new friendships or flirtations?

Marriage is a rigid idea that limits your ability to decide your own reality as a couple. If you're mature enough to commit to each other, you don’t need marriage. Just be open about how you feel, what you need, what excites you, what scares you—and then allow your partner space to do the same.

This is a journey and it takes some time, but if you can get to total understanding through true communication along with trial and error, you will end up with a committed relationship that meets everyone’s needs—and you don’t need any institution to agree with your choices.

3) Marriage is about roles, not about authenticity, honesty and acceptance.

That blissful feeling of being in love is what happens when two people are open and accepting of one another. If you can continue to do this, that feeling of perfect love with no resentment continues—even for life.

To get married is to ruin this feeling of love by agreeing to accept a bunch of default rules and by playing a role. If, one day, you or your partner find yourselves with thoughts, feelings or needs which fall outside the rules and conventions of marriage, now you feel like the relationship has failed. No, in this case the idea of marriage has failed; not necessarily your relationship.

It is enough that you love one another, always be open, and always do your best to accept truth and to work through your feelings together in love. Marriage is this huge, scary, restrictive thing that makes true communication and openness more difficult. 

4) Marriage takes away your freedom to love and to follow your own life path.

Why should the church or the state have anything to say about the way you love or what you choose to do with another consenting adult? Too often, marriage is something people jump into without even understanding it and then, when it fails, they are at the mercy of the courts to decide things that the couple should have worked out on their own.

Why not talk about everything upfront? Will we have kids? How many? What happens if we decide to break up? What if I cheat? What if either of us wants an open relationship? What is your position on debt? Do we want to combine our money or do we want to keep it separate? How would we separate the money if one day we ever split up?

To sign a contract limiting your freedom to love is a tragically foolish decision. Talk about it. Work it out. Regardless of whether you are married, don’t have kids or combine your finances until you are in full agreement and trust each other completely. The stakes are far too high and marriage doesn’t make it any safer!

5) Marriage punishes failure.

Nobody wants a relationship to fail. That’s never the plan. It isn’t as though you need to setup a huge punishment or put forth this ridiculous contract to prevent your partner from leaving you. They aren’t going to leave. That’s why you’re deciding to live together, to have kids and everything, right?

If the whole thing ends up falling apart, that’s tragic enough. On top of this, you don’t need to go through the painful and expensive legal process called divorce. Work things out day-by-day and never agree to anything you might regret later.

Oh, and when it comes to kids: respect each other. You are both parents, you both do your best, and even if your relationship ends it doesn’t mean you have a right to remove the other parent from the child’s life. You are both adults and want to do your best. Show some respect to the person you love or once loved. Work it out as the decent people you are.

If this fails and you must get the courts involved for custody issues or child support, you can do that even if you’ve never been married. Marriage adds nothing of value here.

6) Marriage brings a set of rules that most people cannot adhere to.

Let’s get real, these days it is extremely unlikely for two people to fall in love and never have any needs or desires outside the relationship. I’m not saying that every relationship needs to be an open relationship, but whatever you do agree to should be between you—and it should be specifically talked about, understood, and agreed to by both parties without any reservations. Otherwise, marriage or no marriage, you aren’t ready to start a life together.

Oftentimes, marriage helps people avoid these kinds of honest conversations and difficult decisions. Then, you end up quite shocked later to find out who you married. Open-up, have some real conversations, be honest. You may be surprised to find out how exciting and enjoyable this is—even if it can be scary at first. But there’s no other way for two people to make a life-long relationship work and to establish real trust.

7) Marriage is so scary that people end up alone.

These days, so many people stay single because they are terrified about the idea of marriage. They want to spend their lives with that special person, they want children, but the idea of marriage is so huge and scary that they sabotage relationships before it gets to this stage. This is tragic.

You don’t need to be married in order to live together and to have children. If marriage scares you, then don’t do it. Enjoy your relationship. Be yourself. Live your life.

8) Marriage adds nothing.

Are we talking about hospital visitation rights? Inheritance? This can be dealt with directly with separate contracts and agreements (as can everything else in life).

I would have a very difficult time coming up with reasons that marriage makes sense. What is the purpose? To spend your savings for a big day? To post pictures that aren’t entirely honest? To trap someone for life? What exactly does marriage add?

9) Marriage is way too expensive.

The wedding dress, the food and drinks, the travel, the venue, the flowers, the invitations—what if you kept that money in your savings account or used it to actually start your life together?

Would you not sleep better just skipping that year-long engagement where you are pressured by salespeople (and your partner) to spend all your money on things you don’t want?

10) An untethered love relationship and life together is far more romantic!

Do you want the most important decision of your life to be something so unoriginal that you have nothing to say about it? Or do you want to blaze your own trail as an individual, couple, and family?

We were not born just to adhere to a set of rules that have already been figured out. Follow the path of normalcy, guided by fear, and your life will not have much impact. You will not be remembered for anything in particular and you will not have much of a story to tell.

Everything you want is found in your freedom to do it. You don’t have to sacrifice your freedom for perfect love, a committed, loving relationship and family. Nothing is found in sacrifice, while instead everything is…well…sacrificed. Be brave enough to have it all and give the same to the person you love.

A committed relationship is a creative endeavor which also happens to be the most enjoyable and meaningful thing we do in life. Allow yourself to grow, to be you, and to let your love flow freely. Whether or not you are married, do not give marriage any importance.

What matters is only the love you share and the most romantic thing you can do is own it, celebrate it, and live it on your terms. Marriage doesn’t matter, what's between you and that special person does.

503

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner


There is only a higher good, which includes the bad. (Eckhart Tolle)

This statement may sound a bit like denial. From the perspective of the mind, of course good and bad things do happen. However, the message is to allow things to be as they are.

This is forgiveness and, as Eckhart Tolle explains, “forgiveness of the present is even more important than forgiveness of the past.”

We’re not talking about achieving happiness—happiness has to do with an external situation. We are talking about inner peace. It’s impossible to be happy when someone you love dies or when a tragedy happens; but you can stay connected to a sense of inner peace at all times.

Acceptance doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means accepting what is even as you do whatever you have to do in response. Of course the unobserved, egoic mind cannot accept unconditionally; but you can.

Aware of your still, silent identity as consciousness, you can always choose acceptance of what is. Do this, and you have transcended the mind-dominated state. Your doing is then inspired from the higher realm of universal intelligence beyond the mind.

When you are no longer your ego, love is unconditional and relationships are enjoyable. Your ongoing state of being is peaceful. You no longer attack in any form. You create value and serve rather than take. Your suffering is diminished and your beautiful state of being brings abundance in all areas of life.

Unconditional acceptance of things aligns you with the good which has no opposite.

500

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner


Better to walk in love than to fall in love

To fall in love is to believe that one special relationship can be your primary source of happiness—that the other person will be enough to complete you and to fulfil your every need as a man or woman. Even while almost everyone believes this, in practice it never quite works.

When two people fall in love, often the relationship starts to become a job. Your job is now to follow all the normal rules, to play a role, to do whatever it takes to make the other person happy, and to act as though any of this even works. Often, in a normal relationship, the price you must pay is the sacrifice of personal freedom, openness, and authenticity. You are expected to hide a huge dimension of your curiosity and deny the possibility of new experiences or growth beyond the relationship.

As wonderful as it is to spend your days together with that one special person, the price of falling is too high and the returns are too little. Better to walk in love than to fall.

By walking in love, I mean be who you are while practicing unconditional acceptance, total honesty and openness. It means loving yourself completely, telling the truth about everything, and then letting your perfect love flow to whoever reflects that love back to you most beautifully and purely. When another person also loves in this way and feels the same way about you, you have found a true treasure—a conscious, spiritually-alive love relationship. Such a relationship may or may not involve romance or sex and, whatever form this holy relationship may take, is never considered exclusive.

There is a different way to do relationships. This is the ongoing experience of love and passion that never fades, the uninterrupted flow of positive energy, the endless safety of mutual understanding and forgiveness, and the experience of transcending this world to awaken fully in perfect union. Relationship bliss isn’t found by falling; but, by walking together in love.

494

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner


True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering. (Tao Te Ching)

Despite conventional wisdom and all the world’s misguided lessons; alone, we don’t really have the power to “do something about” anything. Interference is the mind’s attempt to assert supremacy while, in truth, it has none. The separate “self” is an illusion of the mind that is utterly impotent because it just isn’t so. There is a greater wisdom beyond the mind.

When a situation calls for your response, then respond according to your intuition. But if something is beyond your ability to change, then simply state your truth and let it be. Allow freedom for others to experience life and to grow. Allow challenges to teach lessons that need to be taught. Allow consciousness to learn through situations and events. Let things go their own way.

We don’t know what’s good or bad. These are judgments of the mind and reality is far too complex. Let every situation unfold, accept it as it is—grateful for the knowledge that it must happen for the simple reason that it is happening. If it shouldn’t be happening, then it wouldn’t be happening. This is true mastery, which is your strongest position for success and the only way to experience the peace of God.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” -The Serenity Prayer

234

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner


To perceive in sickness the appeal to health is to recognize in hatred the call for love. (A Course in Miracles)

The miracle is love because only love can heal. Whenever our state of being becomes anything other than perfect health and perfect love, it is because our minds have been distracted and have forgotten what is real. Then comes fear, then stress, then insanity.

To look upon the truth is to see yourself as part of the wholeness of spirit and as part of the harmless perfection that is pure love. All else is a nightmare of illusion.

“Little child, you are hiding your head under the cover of the heavy blankets you have laid upon yourself. You are hiding your nightmares in the darkness of your own false certainty and refusing to open your eyes and look at them.”

“Take off the covers and look at what you are afraid of. Only the anticipation will frighten you; for the reality of nothingness cannot be frightening. Let us not delay this, for your dream of hatred will not leave you without help—and help is here.” -A Course in Miracles

Look upon yourself after first walking through that inner doorway to freedom. See the nature of life, the eternity and vastness of the universe, marvel about the perfect balance of things, notice yourself as a ray of consciousness that has never parted from the one consciousness. You are here in this form only so that consciousness can play and learn. Here fear is forgotten, as is hatred, as is sickness, stress and all the other illusions you wish to leave behind.

491

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner


Pride is the main addiction in the world and the hardest addiction to kick. (Kevin FitzMaurice)

Just like the junkie feeds a never-ending addiction to the needle, the ego feeds on pride. Pride is the ego’s most magnificent realm.

I say pride is the ego’s most magnificent realm, but even so, it is so ugly. Pride is fake eyelashes, plastic surgery, expensive clothing and fast cars. Pride is the desperate imitation of the pages of a magazine even at the expense of alienating yourself from other people. Pride is buying a bigger house and insisting on giving a tour. Pride is pressuring your children to be the best in their class. Pride is believing you are amazing, your marriage is amazing, your children are amazing, and even the city you live in is somehow amazing and superior to all other cities that have ever existed (perhaps for the simple reason that you live there).

Pride is that sense of satisfaction you get watching others embarrass themselves on reality TV. Pride is believing your political movement is right and your cause is the most important cause. Pride is believing in your church or religion while rejecting all others. Pride is in that momentary feeling that your life is perfect because of how it looks on Instagram. Pride has nothing at all to do with love.

Pride can be ugly, but sometimes pride can be sexy in a perverted sort of way. Pride is that hot girl that everyone simultaneously desires and hates. Pride is that rich, handsome man flying across NYC in a helicopter who every greedy gold-digger wants to marry. Pride is seduction. Pride is believing that you are more of a man because you are juggling several beautiful women at once. Pride is an expensive, explosive, yet momentary and fleeting pleasure. Pride is fast cars, diamond rings, VIP lounges and dirty sex.

Ego first seduces you with fear, then it incentivizes you with the pleasures of pride. Like a drug, the pleasures of pride are intense and then vanish in an instant—leaving you with a painful hangover.

486i

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner


All authority lies within

When the government tries to help some, unhealthy dependencies are created. When it ignores others, victim identity takes hold. No external authority can do what we must do for ourselves.

The real authorities are not representatives of any government or institution. These so-called authorities are merely creators of challenges, perpetuators of misery, and obstacles to happiness and freedom. We must—upon our own authority—overcome these obstacles.

We are the authorities. We are divine beings connected through the one consciousness. Herein lies all truth, beauty and power. No matter the threats and limitations which are thrusted upon us by systems of violence, nothing can take away our ability to think freely, to speak the truth, and to do as we choose so long as it is loving.

Love trumps false authority. Love sets us free. Perfect honesty trumps propaganda. Deep human connections are beyond external interference. Self-love is unstoppable. No authority lies in the external world. This is the dimension of problems and challenges; not power. All power is wholly alive within.

This message is literal, not theoretical. You want something to change in your life? Make it happen. Prosperity comes from serving and creating value for others. Safety comes from extending only love and never violence or attack. Happiness comes from disidentification from ego. Health comes from eliminating fear and stress. A true spiritual practice of purification and healing is required for any of this to become your reality.

No institution of external authority is going to do a damn thing to help you with anything. All authority to change anything lies within—but only by successfully transcending ego to identify as consciousness.

484

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner


To love yourself is to heal yourself. (A Course in Miracles)

To love yourself is to see only that part of you which is lovable. When this is done, self-love is felt. In the presence of self-love; somehow the fear, the shame, and the guilt all melt away. Absent of the stress from these negative emotions, the mind and body begin to function optimally. This is healing.

When you are healed, you can then look upon every other person to see each of them in this same way. All that which is lovable in you is also true in them. Only love is lovable, and love is the same in each of us because it is one. There is no person absent of love within—though, through shame and guilt and punishment, people have become blocked to various degrees.

Forgiveness is the act of seeing only that part in a person which is lovable. All the rest is error, it is unreal, and it can easily be undone just by letting love melt it away. In the end, it is as though all that negative garbage was never real—for the simple reason that it never was.

480

Posted by Abscondo

Read more posts on this topic!

Subscribe for daily teachings by email:

Delivered by FeedBurner