Posts categorized "Relationships"

What is the cause of sexual perversion and sex crimes?

My answer is simple: sexual repression. Apparently, some people do not have much a sex drive. Most people do. Some do not have crazy fantasies and are not willing to experience something sexually exciting just because it feels good and is fun. Most people do and would.

But the whole world tells us that our sexual needs are bad and wrong. We are instantly punished at the mention of our sexual truths. We are forcefully driven into hiding and secrecy, where the fantasies become ever crazier and the needs ever stronger.

The healthy way to respond to a real sexual need is to enjoy it. You can be open about it with the right people. See if you can find someone who shares that fantasy or need. You can get to know each other. You can establish trust and respect. If you are both turned on, you can easily consent to doing whatever you want to and enjoy it fully.

This healthy attitude about sex never involves manipulation and certainly not prostitution or any other form of exploitation or abuse. You can have fun and try anything. You can find out what something is (or is not) and move on with life without all the obsession. You can get unstuck and free yourself from the frustrations of an unfulfilling sex life. In the process, you might even find true love. At the very least, you will form loving friendships.

Unfortunately, most people respond to sexual repression in an unhealthy way. They hide their deepest fantasies from others. The carnal drive toward human intimacy then becomes pornographic and detached from human relationships. People are objectified only as bodies to be conquered and exploited—not as sacred human beings who deserve love and respect.  

The sexually sick then manipulate people for sex. They may take advantage of their authority over people. They may cross boundaries and commit crimes. They may cheat on spouses and break families. They may use drugs to numb the pain. This is the spiral into madness, which can only end in the tragedy of crisis.

To want wild sex is normal, and there is a healthy response. If you are struggling with sexual repression, obsessed by unfulfilled fantasies, I know it can feel terribly frustrating. This very real part of you seems to make no sense from a rational perspective. You may even hate yourself for it.

But if your sexual needs are real for you, then you can embrace them. If a partner claims to love you, then this person can love everything about you—even this. You can give a partner this same freedom. Whatever turns you on is possible—but it needs to be done in truth and with love.

You cannot use people, but you can enjoy everything with them. Sin is where love is not. You can fulfill your sexual needs, but only in honesty and in truth. No cheating.     
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Posted by Abscondo

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Forgiveness is always the sane and correct response

To forgive is to see something wrong as only a mistake. If an error has been made, even if it is not fixed and there is no apology at all, forgiveness is always the sane and correct response. This doesn't mean you have to go along with a person or situation that you are not inspired to go along with, but the "sin" is not an offense against you to be taken personally.

So what exactly is sin? Sin is where love is not. Anything done in perfect love cannot be an error because love is perfectly honest, open, sensitive, eternally loyal, understanding, giving, and accepting. Within the thought system of love, it is impossible to sin. Sin is only possible when you forget about love as your core value and faith; when you follow the external world's insane lessons instead.

Because so few people have learned unconditional love, the world is filled with sin. The world teaches us that to easily forgive is to let someone off the hook and condone a sinful behavior. But what is the alternative to forgiveness? Non-forgiveness? Non-forgiveness means condemning a person, punishing, attacking in some way, or withdrawing love. Does it make sense to punish someone who is acting without love by withdrawing love?

When there is a genuine willingness, it is entirely possible to correct error. But correction cannot happen if there is attack or punishment because non-forgiveness insanely teaches that the real problem (withdrawal of love) is the solution. If there is non-forgiveness, the problem cannot be solved because the conditions of lovelessness are perpetuated and the ground remains fertile for terrible, disgusting behavior.

This isn't about holding someone guilty, labeling a person as bad, and then speaking the language of forgiveness when it isn't in your heart. If there is any chance of correcting the error of sin, we need to learn to see past the error not as who a person is; rather, a simple, correctable error a person has made. Anything less than total forgiveness is an attempt to make error so real that it is an identity. How can a person change when you have made their error their identity?

By the way, learning the art of forgiveness means starting with yourself. If there is anything you feel guilty of or ashamed of, if there is anything you have not forgiven yourself for, you can now give yourself permission to do so. You can love yourself unconditionally, creating the space in your heart to easily make things right, tell the truth, and to walk the bravest and truest path of all: love.

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Why do people lie?

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Nobody wants to lie. We only do it because we are afraid of what someone might say or do in response to our truth. People learn to tell you the truth to the extent that you unconditionally accept what they are saying and who they are.

To lie is always an error for many reasons. But putting someone in a position where they feel the need to do so is much worse. Nobody has the right to project their own arbitrary preferences and tastes upon someone else through a set of rules and expectations, and then attack or call them a liar when they cannot comply. This shows zero love or respect.

When you understand this, you can easily forgive lies is by making it 100% clear that, with you, there is no need to hide anything. You can always accept someone's truth calmly. This creates the space, the trust, the openness required for a beautiful relationship to flourish.

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Many resist what they do not want; few allow what they do.

Saying no to what we don't want requires some bravery, but it is only the first step toward claiming freedom. Too often, we get stuck on the level of resistance and eventually end up in a sort of paralysis where no positive steps are taken toward what we do want.

The best way to resist something we do not want is to take the opposite journey toward what we do. The best way to end a bad relationship is to open your heart and mind to a perfect one. The way to break an unhealthy behavior such as an addiction is to become obsessed with healthy habits instead. Likewise, if you are going to quit a low-paying job, do so by starting a high-paying business.

Too often, we claim our power to resist something seen as negative only to end up waiting around for someone else to bring us what we want. This doesn't work. Politicians are not going to save us. The economy is not going to be fair. The next romantic interest is not going to make anyone happy. More likely, the cycle of resistance and waiting around will only continue.

Focus on what you do want. Openly and honestly do exactly what inspires you because doing is knowing. This is how you move forward in life and get unstuck. You find out what something is and what it isn't. This is the proactive approach to life, and the only way to be and to experience everything you want during your stay in this dimension. Enjoy!

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Posted by Abscondo

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Abscondo tells his true story of marriage, sex, monogamy, polyamory, threesomes & cheating.

I talk a lot about being open and honest, but before this video I was still holding back. Today I share the true story of my marriage, my sex life, my affairs, divorce, threesomes, and what I have learned along the way.

There is a way to overcome jealousy, live your fantasies, and avoid problems in romantic relationships. You can create a lasting, life-long, blissful union without arguments, resentment, or sacrifice.

This is part one. 

Part two is a short conclusion to the talk. You can find out how to put some of these ideas into practice by visiting this blog every day and enjoy the free daily teachings, free eBooks, a podcast and so much more.

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Abscondo Podcast #89: How to end violence now

If you going to listen to or read just one thing I've written or said, make it this podcast episode. 

You can also listen to the Abscondo Podcast wherever you normally listen to podcasts.

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Erotic love is not love

In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm writes “One can often find two people “in love” with each other who feel no love for anybody else. Their love is, in fact, an egotism a deux; they are two people who identify themselves with each other, and who solve the problem of separateness by enlarging the single individual into two. They have the experience of overcoming aloneness, yet, since they are separated from the rest of mankind, they remain separated from each other and alienated from themselves; their experience of union is an illusion.”

The word “love” is so badly misunderstood because this, what Erich Fromm calls “erotic love”, is the only meaning most people attach to the word. But, in the truest sense, erotic love isn’t love. It is like a drug, or a wild thrill that can be triggered by any intense feeling between two people who find each other physically attractive.

If this encompasses the full extent of one’s understanding of love, the experience of erotic love will be just as short and fleeting as it is intense. Eventually, the blissful feelings begin to fade, and there arises a desire to move on to the next relationship, as though it will be different the next time.

Erotic love is one of the greatest thrills of life, a celebration of being alive, and is almost surely the most fun an adult can have. But it is not the source of love, it is not salvation, and clearly not the path toward lasting happiness.

To achieve lasting joy and the end of suffering, we need what I call perfect, or unconditional love. Erich Fromm breaks this down into self-love, brotherly love, motherly and fatherly love, and the love of God—which are all forms of real love that are experienced from beyond the ego.

Only a person who first comes to know love can experience erotic love in a way that is entirely different—even opposite from—the way romantic relationships and marriages are typically experienced. To the awakened person (one who fully knows what love is), the erotic relationship is joyful play and just as fun as ever; but there is no pressure to make it more than it is. This is true love, or what A Course in Miracles calls the holy relationship.     

 

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The life review and the near-death experience

In Mark Gober’s extensively researched book, An End to Upside Down Thinking, he examines thousands of personal accounts of near-death experiences (when a person’s body and brain is physically dead for a short time and then brought back to life). One of his fascinating findings is the regular reporting of what is called a “life review.”

As reported by one individual, “Every second from birth until death you will see and feel, and you will experience your emotions and others that you hurt, and feel their pain and emotions. What this is for is so you can see what kind of person you were and how you treated others from another vantage point.”

This is all experienced in an instant—a total picture of the truth of your life and that of everyone who you affected. Others even reported seeing truths that their spouses or loved ones kept hidden. Think about that.

Another individual who experienced this explains, “Not only did I perceive everything from my own viewpoint, but I also knew the thoughts of everyone involved in the event, as if I had their thoughts within me. This meant that I perceived not only what I had done or thought, but even in what way it had influenced others.”

Read this breakthrough book yourself and come to your own conclusions about the nature of consciousness, but ask yourself this: if, at the moment of death, everything true about our lives is revealed to us in an instant—if this is part of the process that determines what happens to us when we die—and if everyone we love will go through the same process when they die—do we want to lie to anyone we love? Do we want to harm anyone and be forced to confront the effects in our dying moment? Do we want anyone we love to have to deal with what we have kept hidden in their dying moment?

The near-death experience and the life review teach us to choose unconditional love now and always, while we are alive. We can always be honest and open about everything. We can always be accepting and forgiving so that others can do the same.

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Reality ensures that nobody gets away with anything

Some people have been taught to believe that life is all about getting what you want. Theirs is a value system centered around one question: what benefits me?

So, they go through life trying to maximize what they get. In their work, they are less than honest and conceive of business models which are more about robbery than value creation. With enough dedication and sacrifice, they often achieve their hollow goals and amass a fortune.

The problem is, so much sacrifice on this path is needed that they lose themselves along the way. They play a false role all the time, which is exhausting and causes depression. Deep down, they also know that they are causing others to suffer—and for what purpose? After all, they are suffering too.

So, there is always this underlying, nagging feeling that they must atone, make things right, change everything. But they don’t; for this would be to lose everything they have sacrificed a lifetime for. The sad truth is that they have gained nothing at all and have sacrificed everything.

In relationships, they are so concerned with getting their way that they are willing to withhold honesty and truth, willing to manipulate others, willing to shame, blame, argue and attack. When their marriages fall apart, they continue to battle—doing whatever it takes to gain custody of the children and grab the money. The problem is, even when they get exactly what they want, they can never escape the nagging feeling that there are so many wrongs which must be made right.

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You can claim the victory you thought you wanted, but if you do so in a way that is less than perfectly honest and perfectly fair, you then must live with the feeling that you need to apologize and make things right. That is an impossible burden to live with day after day, so life becomes hell.

Now it is clear why the thought system of “what benefits me” is fundamentally flawed. True success—the kind that can be fully enjoyed—can come only from a life rooted in perfect honesty and fairness. You give your best to others, which naturally inspires them to give their best back. In business and art, you create true value and beauty and get paid for it. In relationships, you give perfect freedom, understanding, acceptance and you are generous in every way. You are loved for it.

This is the trajectory of increasing abundance—true success that cannot be taken away from you and involves no suffering at any point. It also involves no sacrifice because this kind of life is so much fun. You can sleep perfectly at night and are free of stress because you have a conscious as pure as the white, driven snow.

This is only possible through the thought system of perfect love rather than “what benefits me.” Come here with a pure, open heart and a healed, open mind.

Posted by Abscondo

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