Yesterday, a friend told me that she is afraid of getting bored in a relationship—ending up being just two strangers living next to each other without emotions. Worse yet, she strongly dislikes dishonesty. She also says that losing trust is what scares her the most and left me with a few questions:


How can you preserve trust?

As I have said and written about repeatedly, you can only trust your partner if you have first offered unconditional love. The mind finds this statement ironic and confusing.  How can I offer unconditional love / acceptance in a situation where, for example, I have been deceived?

Turn this around. What is the cause of deceit? Do we not lie, deceive, or cheat to avoid rules, expectations, and the negative consequence of speaking or living our truth? Would anyone have a reason to deceive if unconditional acceptance and the possibility for total openness was first made real?

It might take some time to create such a relationship—time to know with any degree of certainty that you will not be punished for your truth, some practice learning to tell and live your truth lovingly and sensitively, and you may need to work through any emotions that do exist. But this is what a relationship is and it is fun—particularly if you start from the very beginning, before there is so much codependence and attachment. If there is true love, you can always find a way to love the person truly and to accept exactly who he or she honestly is.

Offer your partner the possibility of unconditional love right from the start and always. Make no rules and set no expectations about anything. When something is said, done, or wanted that causes an emotional challenge, talk openly about it. Give your partner a chance to show he or she loves you, to explain things fully, to help you understand and feel understood. Love will melt away any negative emotions. In the end, you will grow closer. One day, the trust will be so great that you no longer need to go through this process.


Is it possible to regain trust once it has broken?

If there is love, then yes. You can use this same approach. Reveal all your feelings about the situation, reveal how much it hurts, and repeat that there is never a reason to deceive. You want to know what’s going on and will not punish. You want to accept everything. You just want to know the truth. You want the opportunity to love the person for who he or she truly is.

Unconditional love does not mean that you are stuck with an abuser. That would be a condition. It is possible to love the truth about someone, to love their heart and soul, but also come to the recognition that you are not loved in return or that living together isn’t healthy. Unconditional love means that you do not attach your love to a set of rules or conditions and then withdraw love and affection when they are not met. That isn’t love; rather, an arrangement.

The conditional relationship also leads to my friend’s first concern: feeling isolated and bored. This happens when you are forced to hide who you are, or when you force your partner to do the same.

Creating a relationship based on love requires that you drop your pride and humble yourself. Your partner’s needs, habits, and perspectives are not an attack on you. It is about him or here. At the same time, humbling yourself does not mean that you ignore your needs.

By offering unconditional love, which can only happen after you learn self-love, you must also offer yourself the possibility of perfect honesty, openness, and acceptance. If your partner is not interested in unconditional love, acceptance, and openness, then you can be honest anyway and let the relationship run its natural course. Either you are loved for who you are, or you are not loved. Have patience, learn this dance together, and you will create the most beautiful, eternal relationship.