Deep down, most people would enjoy a life in which it is possible to freely explore sexual adventures involving many partners. What holds us back from following our intense, natural cravings is that we want to avoid making someone jealous. As thrilling and enjoyable as perfect sex can be, we clearly understand that no sex is worth causing terrible pain, ruining a relationship, or harming anyone’s life in any way. So, the simple solution that most people choose is to suppress our needs around sex.

The main reason we suppress our sexual needs is because of the sexual jealousy of others; mainly, our primary partners. The problem is that forced-monogamous relationships are built upon a foundation that is both fragile and less than honest. For most people, the promise of life-long monogamy brings with it great and ongoing struggles and frustrations. By suppressing sex, we close our hearts and minds to new people, we cut ourselves off from other beautiful human beings, and many of us slowly sink into depression and low energy.

So we drink more, we eat junk food, we smoke, we watch trash entertainment, we engage in safe small-talk, and we form all sorts of bad habits to distract us from the simple problem that we are not free and we are not honest. Worse yet, none of this works.

Despite our best intentions, most people with strong sexual needs end up breaking relationships and cheating. They just can’t take it anymore and nature wins. The more you make something off-limits, the more you want it. In the beginning of a relationship, it is easy to promise monogamy. You have that new relationship energy (NRE), you are in love, you communicate freely, you respect one another—everything feels right and the need for sexual variety is minimal.

But by making the promise of lifelong monogamy to anyone, you cut off the possibility of perfect honesty if your heart ever changes, and you remove unconditional acceptance and freedom from the relationship. The relationship then becomes not about unconditional love, acceptance, openness, and trust; rather, it slowly becomes a job where you must live up to expectations and conditions.

The normal marriage is all about the promise of monogamy. But inevitably, one or both partners will have strong feelings and needs that violate the promise. When this happens, lies follow, maybe eventually cheating, and everything breaks. It is a story we know all too well, and yet we continue to do relationships as though it isn’t going to happen to us.

There is a better way to do relationships, and it works perfectly. From the very beginning, you can lovingly explain to your partner that you will never require them to be sexually or emotionally monogamous—and of course that you would require the same in return if you are going to be together. You know it is going to be very difficult to overcome sexual jealousy, but it is possible, and the alternative to dealing with jealousy is worse, and that for the purpose of your sacred love and respect toward one another, you can do this.

This doesn’t mean that you are going to be desperately running around with other people all the time. In fact, you may never even have the need or the opportunity. But, if the relationship is going to be based on true love rather than control and manipulation, you have to both maintain the right to be sexually free if there is ever a need.

How you go about practicing non-monogamy is for you both to explore and to decide. It will be a personal choice that always honors the needs and feelings of your partner. You need to learn the language of love, talk about your relationship, how you feel, why your partner is the right person for you to spend a lifetime with, how no other person is a better fit and how relationships with other people only remind you of this—and all of this needs to be true or you should never live together or have children in the first place.

I can assure you, through personal experience, that the result of such a relationship is the experience of ongoing bliss and love—which grows even stronger as the years go by. Imagine the closeness you would feel with someone with whom you can express yourself fully, at the deepest levels. Imagine how much you would appreciate enjoying your sexual freedom—with consenting adults who you are honest with—without risk or shame. If either of you find yourself going down that scary path of jealous thoughts, you can talk about it, accept that it is happening, and it will dissolve in the light of your perfect love.

If you are already in a monogamous relationship and your partner will not consider opening it up, I sincerely don’t know what to tell you. I do believe we should live in perfect honesty, and this is what I have done in my life; but your choice is entirely yours. If you are currently single or starting a new relationship, then this is the way to build a foundation of perfect stability and lasting love and joy. Try it. We continue tomorrow and each day after that.