You cannot love your partner one moment and attack the next.
If your relationship has frequent ups and downs, it is likely that you and your partner are suffering from dependency. True love is free from attack or argument and absent of blame, judgment, and guilt. Love does not struggle and knows no right or wrong. So why do couples fight?
All throughout life, the ego attempts to make itself real within us by clinging to an external sense of identity. The ego’s urge is to finally be happy and complete through the identification with status, accomplishments, relationships or possessions. It wants to be respected, listened to, and cared about. But this never quite happens because the ego is not worthy of respect, ought not be listened to, and should rightly be ignored.
All other strategies having failed, the ego finally looks to the special relationship—trying to find that one person who is yours, within your control, loyal only to you. For this, you concede the same, and the normal, monogamous romantic relationship is born. This is what people call falling in love.
Now there is a new center to your universe. For a time, you think you’ve found it—the key to permanent happiness. The problem is that your sense of identity and source of happiness is still external; dependent upon another person who is supposed to make you happy. You both need each other to behave according to strict rules in order to play along that the relationship is working. You also need to project an image out to the world as the perfect couple or family. All this requires a lot of acting, a lot of dishonesty—which causes suffering.
When the failure of this arrangement becomes apparent, the ego blames the other person rather than recognizing the falseness of the fundamental illusion being constructed. Now you frequently fight as though you are the worst of enemies. You make up, feel better, then attempt to move on. But it keeps happening again and again. The world sees a perfect couple, but it isn’t so.
Lasting love and joy are only to be found within. Know yourself and love yourself, then extend it freely. This is the holy relationship; which is based upon openness, unconditional acceptance, mutual respect and freedom. Only the holy relationship offers the kind of ongoing, endless bliss we all desire.