Both men and women have our own varieties of porn, but the consequences of each are equally destructive.  Men like the kind of porn that, quite honestly, involves themes like fucking two hot Russians.  Women, on the other hand, are turned on by an entirely different kind of porn: the Hollywood “chick flick”. 

Of course I’m using the word “porn” loosely; while, at the same time, am absolutely equating these two “art-forms” (for lack of a better word) as the same damn thing.  Both the sex porn and the chick flick tap deep into our fantasy worlds and have the power to change the way we think.  They ultimately define what we think we want from life and subconsciously guide our most foolish of life decisions.  As discussed in the Abscondo Podcast called "Morality of Consequence", my value system is based on Consequentialism.  In this case, the consequence of porn being our collective inability to form healthy, fulfilling relationships and our tendency to destroy the relationships we do have.

Porn taps straight into fantasy…our wildest fantasies.  The recent Hollywood film starring Sarah Jessica Parker (probably the most famous female porn actress of all) is called “New Year’s Eve”.  I didn’t see this movie, but my wife did last night with her girlfriends.  This is a true chick flick, just like the thousands before it.  I asked her what it was about and she described a scene where the “Mr. Perfect” character turns down two younger women to chase after the older woman who has a child.  No scenario could make the point I’m about to make better than this scene (which I, admittedly, didn’t see and hopefully never will see first-hand). 

The fantasy being presented in any chick flick is that of the unrealistic man – the man who looks perfect, has the right profession, has the right apartment in Manhattan with the right view, and doesn’t rush sex until she’s ready.  His only purpose in the film is to ultimately please the female lead and make her life complete.  This is a guy who has no individual needs other than to chase the female character (who is usually slightly imperfect but that’s ok) to the airport before she leaves forever.  Music builds as he runs through traffic and jumps over cars without harming the perfect bouquet in his hand.  The end of the film is that ultimate moment when he commits to “forever” and all of her problems are solved.

The male porn, of course, is all about sex.  Lots of sex with unrealistically attractive women willing to do things no women would do if trying to satisfy her own sexual desires.  I’ll just simplify and call this “sex with two hot Russians”.  These two different kinds of porn have a deep influence on our relationships even before they begin.

Women are attracted to men to the extent that they are like Mr. Perfect in the chick flick.  Men know this works on women, and so we play the part in order to attract the girl.  But, in truth, men are attracted to women to the extent that she looks as sexy as the porn actress.  Women also know this, and might even look the part (and play the part in bed) in order to catch the man.  If successful, nature runs its course and our couple becomes obsessed with each other and falls in love.  This stage ends with the perfect like-in-the-movies proposal and the storybook wedding.

Now we have two people who are together mainly because a) they watched lots of porn and it had a huge influence on them, and b) they are each good at playing the part…at being what the other thinks they want.  But where is the authenticity in this relationship?  Who exactly are these two people as individuals?  How can they be happy over the long-term if they have just entered into a life in which they cannot be who they truly are?  If she gains weight, isn’t as exciting in bed, and no longer looks like she did when they met at the club…then she’s not living up to his fantasy.  Furthermore, a marriage based on life-long fidelity cannot possibly live up to his fantasy at all.  So what happens?  Many years go by and, despite progressing levels of disillusionment, our perfect couple has a few perfect kids.  But finally, he gives-in to his fantasy and leaves his family for the promise that he might one day actually have that sex with two hot Russians.  Will he have sex with two hot Russians?  Perhaps, if he goes to Amsterdam and pays for two hookers to act out his fantasy for him.  But then, after that…when he meets a real woman who he doesn’t pay…what does this future woman want?  She wants the same thing his wife does: Mr. Perfect in the movie. 

Similarly, after many years tolerating her husband watching football, drinking beer, getting fat, looking at beautiful women walking by, forgetting anniversaries, ignoring her emotional needs, and refusing to go see chick flicks…she also might decide that she’s had enough.  She’s still young, after all, and there must be a guy out there who more closely resembles Mr. Perfect in the movie.  So she might decide to break up the family for no other reason than her naïve and unrealistic hope that she will meet this other guy…this Mr. Perfect in Manhattan who will (if she’s lucky) succeed at temporarily projecting the same fantasy her husband did originally (at first) but who really wants, deep down, to fuck two hot Russians.

The point is that if we get carried away with our porn-fueled fantasies…if we allow porn to shape our expectations, desires, and life decisions…then what we are left with are lots of beautiful but unhappy children asking what daddy did to mommy or what mommy wants from daddy that he can’t give.  All around us we have lots of otherwise intelligent, beautiful, potentially happy and content people going into their 30’s, 40’s, and into the rest of their lives lonely, watching lots of porn, and wondering when they are going to live the life they were promised in the porn.  They won’t.

Our relationships, instead, should be based on perceiving the other person, accepting loved ones for who they truly are, and being honest with each other about who we really are and what we really want.  In short, our love-life should be an expression of our authentic selves.  It should be so deep and unique that it cannot be understood by the outside world.  This kind of love is not “of” the outside world; rather, it exists in a universe that is created, from scratch, by two people.  It should be an exploration of our deepest feelings, needs, and even fantasies.  It should also involve calling-out the other person when they are full of shit.  It should embrace constant growth and change.  In love, we must never mistake the warm, living-and-breathing person who is giving his or her life and entire being to you…we must never confuse that person for the cliché images on the screen.  

Women: there are no perfect men in Manhattan waiting to meet you just so they can exist only to please you.  Men: there will never be two hot Russian friends willingly kissing each other and waiting for you to enter the room.  Let’s make this work in reality.