Abscondo

Love is made, not found

The topic of love is something I’ve seldom felt brave enough to approach on this blog.  How can one make any generalizations or draw any conclusion on this topic without sounding trite?  Yet how can any truth-seeker avoid the topic that dominates so many of our thoughts for most of our lives?  Perhaps each of us have our own love philosophy (whether or not that philosophy actually works very well for us).  I’ve decided to share some pieces of mine.

Just like yours, my love philosophy has been formed through so many years of personal experience and observation of others.  There is only one reason you should care at all what I have to say on this topic; I am proud to proclaim that I have been deeply in love with the same woman for 19 years.  Sofia has been my partner for more than half of my life.  We met at a ridiculously young age and have each grown through the years to become completely different people (over and over again) and yet have also grown closer at the same time.  I don’t believe that this love is by chance and I don’t believe this relationship was found as much as it was made.     

Let me try to describe our relationship only so that you can compare it to your relationship ideal.  Let’s start with a core element of any relationship – romance.   Yes, there is passion.  Not all of the time, but there is passion. :-)  We do expect each other to be excellent lovers, no matter how many years we’ve been together and how many thousands of times we’ve made love.  I’ll spare you the details, but it is not unusual for there to be candles, lounge music or trip-hop, and sometimes there’s even incense burning.  :-)  I'm quite satisfied with this aspect of our relationship.

But obviously romance is only one part of any relationship, so let’s cover some of the others.  I would say that we’re not annoyed with each other.  Nothing she does really gets on my nerves and I never get that attitude from her either.  Also, our relationship is almost completely open and honest.  It hasn’t always been that way, but we’ve learned that anything less than honesty is something less than closeness.  Dishonesty creates a void of silence.  In that void we tend to feel loneliness.  So we have become honest and open with each other even to painful extremes at times.  Also, to the highest reasonable extent, we try not to limit each other’s experiences and opportunities for personal growth.   

Then there’s the “functioning” part.  I think we handle the business of life very well without allowing it to cause too much damage to our romantic relationship.  We strive toward 50/50 equality in effort and contribution.  We both stay focused on financial and career goals.  We’ve paid for each other to attend university, worked together in business, built a home together, and have both worked from home for the past 6 years (which means we’re basically together 24 hours a day most of the time).  We’re also raising a 20-month year-old and this isn’t really harming our relationship either.

I’m not saying there aren’t problems, that there isn’t occasional frustration, or that there haven’t been serious issues we've had to work through.  But I am proud and fortunate to say that my relationship with Sofia is excellent, that we do work through our problems, and that we do love each other unconditionally.  I think what I’m describing matches most people’s definition of a pretty great relationship.  Did we just get lucky or are there specific ideas, rules, and ways that we approach the relationship that make it consistently work over all of this time?

When I listen to other people talk about love and relationships…when I think about some of the attitudes so many of us have and watch familiar patterns...I can see quite clearly how people sabotage their relationships.  So many of us end up looking to the promise of the next relationship without learning anything from our failed relationships of the past and present.

In fact, most people sabotage their relationships even before they meet their partner.  That’s because they aren’t looking for a human being; rather, a “human product” that meets certain criteria and behaves in predefined, desirable ways.   While most women want long-term stability, most men want either a beautiful accessory or a second mommy to take care of them.  In dating, women only pretend not to be thinking about a man’s money and status, his ambition, his desire to have (or not have) children, his ability to be faithful, and so many other traits that make up her version of a desirable partner.  Men so often dishonestly play into these female tendancies for the promise of sex.  In doing so they, too, fail to see the woman as a human being (as oppose to an object that is there to manipulate for selfish reasons).  What can be built that starts this way?  This phase, as blissful and beautiful as these beginnings are, is too often just a thinly-veiled and sometimes deceitful negotiation (though this is difficult to recognize through the beautiful haze of a new relationship). 

Do most people date each other as human beings?  Isn't it more like a negotiation for a role or job interview?  How much effort is given toward working on and defining those things that will make a happy, successful relationship  (whether intended as long-term or not)?  How much effort goes to "qualifying people out" for arbitrary reasons?  How willing are women to allow true honesty or are they scared to find out what a man actually has to say?  How willing are men to be honest even if given the chance, and to allow women the chance to be honest as well?  How can anybody bond and really connect if they can’t be authentic and don't fundamentally accept each other? 

Are most single people judging their partners with a checklist or are they seeing their potential to change, grow, and build a better life through the right kind of relationship?  Are they in the habit of disqualifying people from their lives through technicalities, or are they open to lovers as they actually are?  Does the idea of love have a destination in mind or is it unconditional (at least conceptually)?  Is love something to be created or something that is effortlessly found?  Is the question more about what he/she gives you or what you give him/her?  Are there two equal souls in this or are you negotiating what you need as an individual?

If two people who are attracted to each other are willing to selflessly and honestly look at each other and accept each other for who they are…if they are willing to change and willing to encourage each other to change…if they are willing to work through problems rather than running away from them…then it is only a matter of time until they achieve that relationship that is perfect for them.  In this sense, the only way that a relationship can fail is if one or both of the participants choose failure by choosing not to accept, not work on something, not to explore, not to grow, and not to try.  If you are unwilling to do all of these things in your current (and, yes, imperfect) relationship, you will not be satisfied with the ultimate outcome because it, by definition, will be so much less than it can be.  And if you leave that current relationship for the promise of the next, your ultimate result will be the same if you do not change your mental models. 

Of course I'm not saying that there aren't good reasons to leave someone: maybe he's not trying in the sense I'm describing, maybe you're not physically attracted to each other, maybe there's simply no way to find that life path that will work for both of you as a unit.  But most relationships (whether intended as long-term or not) seem to stop short of even trying.  People are so quick to emotionally jump out of relationships that they never really get in to begin with.

You might think that what I’m describing is too difficult, too unrealistic, and that you might become vulnerable to heart-break.  You might think that such an approach would take you into some pretty scary territory.  Of course you would be absolutely right to think this.  I'll go further and say that, however difficult you think this would be, actually it is probably ten times more difficult than you can imagine.  This is precisely why ideal relationships are so rare!  Few are brave enough and strong enough to actually give what it takes in order to realize the potential that love offers us.

As amazing as that original spark was between Sofia and I 19 years ago, the truth is that our constantly-improving relationship was built, not found.  It is a process of trial-and-error, but we have decided to give each other all of ourselves and will die trying to make this life together as great as it can possibly be.

Of course I'm only scratching the surface of this topic, so I'm curious if you'd like me to write more about love.   

The Consequence of Porn

Both men and women have our own varieties of porn, but the consequences of each are equally destructive.  Men like the kind of porn that, quite honestly, involves themes like fucking two hot Russians.  Women, on the other hand, are turned on by an entirely different kind of porn: the Hollywood “chick flick”. 

Of course I’m using the word “porn” loosely; while, at the same time, am absolutely equating these two “art-forms” (for lack of a better word) as the same damn thing.  Both the sex porn and the chick flick tap deep into our fantasy worlds and have the power to change the way we think.  They ultimately define what we think we want from life and subconsciously guide our most foolish of life decisions.  As discussed in the Abscondo Podcast called "Morality of Consequence", my value system is based on Consequentialism.  In this case, the consequence of porn being our collective inability to form healthy, fulfilling relationships and our tendency to destroy the relationships we do have.

Porn taps straight into fantasy…our wildest fantasies.  The recent Hollywood film starring Sarah Jessica Parker (probably the most famous female porn actress of all) is called “New Year’s Eve”.  I didn’t see this movie, but my wife did last night with her girlfriends.  This is a true chick flick, just like the thousands before it.  I asked her what it was about and she described a scene where the “Mr. Perfect” character turns down two younger women to chase after the older woman who has a child.  No scenario could make the point I’m about to make better than this scene (which I, admittedly, didn’t see and hopefully never will see first-hand). 

The fantasy being presented in any chick flick is that of the unrealistic man – the man who looks perfect, has the right profession, has the right apartment in Manhattan with the right view, and doesn’t rush sex until she’s ready.  His only purpose in the film is to ultimately please the female lead and make her life complete.  This is a guy who has no individual needs other than to chase the female character (who is usually slightly imperfect but that’s ok) to the airport before she leaves forever.  Music builds as he runs through traffic and jumps over cars without harming the perfect bouquet in his hand.  The end of the film is that ultimate moment when he commits to “forever” and all of her problems are solved.

The male porn, of course, is all about sex.  Lots of sex with unrealistically attractive women willing to do things no women would do if trying to satisfy her own sexual desires.  I’ll just simplify and call this “sex with two hot Russians”.  These two different kinds of porn have a deep influence on our relationships even before they begin.

Women are attracted to men to the extent that they are like Mr. Perfect in the chick flick.  Men know this works on women, and so we play the part in order to attract the girl.  But, in truth, men are attracted to women to the extent that she looks as sexy as the porn actress.  Women also know this, and might even look the part (and play the part in bed) in order to catch the man.  If successful, nature runs its course and our couple becomes obsessed with each other and falls in love.  This stage ends with the perfect like-in-the-movies proposal and the storybook wedding.

Now we have two people who are together mainly because a) they watched lots of porn and it had a huge influence on them, and b) they are each good at playing the part…at being what the other thinks they want.  But where is the authenticity in this relationship?  Who exactly are these two people as individuals?  How can they be happy over the long-term if they have just entered into a life in which they cannot be who they truly are?  If she gains weight, isn’t as exciting in bed, and no longer looks like she did when they met at the club…then she’s not living up to his fantasy.  Furthermore, a marriage based on life-long fidelity cannot possibly live up to his fantasy at all.  So what happens?  Many years go by and, despite progressing levels of disillusionment, our perfect couple has a few perfect kids.  But finally, he gives-in to his fantasy and leaves his family for the promise that he might one day actually have that sex with two hot Russians.  Will he have sex with two hot Russians?  Perhaps, if he goes to Amsterdam and pays for two hookers to act out his fantasy for him.  But then, after that…when he meets a real woman who he doesn’t pay…what does this future woman want?  She wants the same thing his wife does: Mr. Perfect in the movie. 

Similarly, after many years tolerating her husband watching football, drinking beer, getting fat, looking at beautiful women walking by, forgetting anniversaries, ignoring her emotional needs, and refusing to go see chick flicks…she also might decide that she’s had enough.  She’s still young, after all, and there must be a guy out there who more closely resembles Mr. Perfect in the movie.  So she might decide to break up the family for no other reason than her naïve and unrealistic hope that she will meet this other guy…this Mr. Perfect in Manhattan who will (if she’s lucky) succeed at temporarily projecting the same fantasy her husband did originally (at first) but who really wants, deep down, to fuck two hot Russians.

The point is that if we get carried away with our porn-fueled fantasies…if we allow porn to shape our expectations, desires, and life decisions…then what we are left with are lots of beautiful but unhappy children asking what daddy did to mommy or what mommy wants from daddy that he can’t give.  All around us we have lots of otherwise intelligent, beautiful, potentially happy and content people going into their 30’s, 40’s, and into the rest of their lives lonely, watching lots of porn, and wondering when they are going to live the life they were promised in the porn.  They won’t.

Our relationships, instead, should be based on perceiving the other person, accepting loved ones for who they truly are, and being honest with each other about who we really are and what we really want.  In short, our love-life should be an expression of our authentic selves.  It should be so deep and unique that it cannot be understood by the outside world.  This kind of love is not “of” the outside world; rather, it exists in a universe that is created, from scratch, by two people.  It should be an exploration of our deepest feelings, needs, and even fantasies.  It should also involve calling-out the other person when they are full of shit.  It should embrace constant growth and change.  In love, we must never mistake the warm, living-and-breathing person who is giving his or her life and entire being to you…we must never confuse that person for the cliché images on the screen.  

Women: there are no perfect men in Manhattan waiting to meet you just so they can exist only to please you.  Men: there will never be two hot Russian friends willingly kissing each other and waiting for you to enter the room.  Let’s make this work in reality.

Toward simplicity and toward the truth

Life isn't that complicated.  There are things we do that make us happy and minimize our negative impact on the world around us.  Simple things make us happy -- authentic relationships, beauty, pleasant moments, laughter, great sex with a real person, wine, pot, family, music, stories, swimming, playing sports, games, dancing, debating, eating great food, presenting ourselves well, expressing our taste, helping others, listening, apologizing, accepting, exercising, empathizing, and working on projects we choose (on our own terms).  Few would disagree with this list (though I'm sure more could be added). 

When we immerse ourselves into the things that make us happy and content, we are living according to our nature.  Wouldn't free people living in a true democracy demand a system within which the government and economy supports a lifestyle that involves more of what makes us happy and requires less of what pulls us away from doing that which we desire?  If so, what exactly holds most of us back from living the way we want?

The world's ruling elite, those top few hundred puppet-masters who shape our society, have their own plan for us.  They know that, when we are doing that which we love, we are useless to them.  So if we are to serve their interests, the ruling elite must find ways to distract us, to trick us so that we conform to their desired behaviors.  They enslave us through a system of relentless propaganda and of real consequence that generates crippling fear and false hopes.

Propaganda:

Most people no longer know of a non-Corporate media.  Nearly every magazine, every book, every TV show, movie, news program, billboard, and newspaper is controlled by a self-interested set of ruling elite who are interested in maintaining the system they call Capitalism.  In real terms, they mean Corporatism.  We all know that a corporation's only mission is to maximize profits...to take as much of your money as possible!  Think about that for a second: all of our information comes from organizations that openly state that their goal is to exploit us to the highest possible extent!  This extensive system of corporate propaganda is designed to instill fear (images of violence, crime, terrorism, and tragedy) and false hope (glossy magazine images of beauty, coverage of celebrities, advertisements, and false "Hollywood" plastic that has nothing to do with real life).  This (along with religion) is our system of illusion, but there is also a system of real consequence.

Real consequence:

The same set of Ruling Elites and their powerful corporations also have also obtained an extraordinarily high level of control over governments (even supposed democracies) around the world.  Government Representatives are not at all interested in quality-of-life issues.  They do not serve us.  They are not concerned with our well-being and happiness.  They are serving the powerful elite (who contribute to the political campaigns of and provide media exposure only to favored candidates willing to serve their interests).  Once again, the goal of this system is to exploit us to the largest extent possible...to take our money, to enslave us to debt, to fail to provide a true education that includes critical thinking, to make healthcare unaffordable, and to otherwise create conditions that bread enough misery to make us actually aspire to spending 40 - 70 hours per week in a gray cubicle staring at a computer under a neon light (or working on an assembly line, or working the night shift, whatever).  We do this from real, justified fear (that we will not get healthcare and die from illness, that we will not be able to afford a home, or will not have enough work experience to get a good job in the future) and from false hopes (that we will retire with enough money to finally live well and realize all of our dreams, that possessions bring happiness, that there is a functioning corporate ladder with riches and status awaiting us if we work hard enough).

When we are tricked and pulled away from that which makes us happy, that which is an inherent expression of human truth, we feel an unbearable void of both misery and desire.  We become radicalized, want more in an attempt to make us happy (a mini-mansion, a new car, plastic surgery), or become paralyzed and miserable by constant, overly-politicized thought.  Those very few who actually understand what is happening in this sick society may decide that their life is meaningless if they cannot succeed at changing the world!  Indeed, we begin to feel as though we either must succeed at a mission handed to us to by the ruling elite (by becoming a great employee, celebrity, good Christian, or rich business owner) or we must succeed at changing the entire world to reflect our own values.  But this is an impossible choice and I refuse to accept those two options.

The world will not change because we are brave enough to ask it to.  In the end, we are mere individuals who must cope with our own lives within a system of rule that is functioning exactly as it was designed to...exactly as it was intended to.  You cannot go to your employer and ask them to stop exploiting, or to Facebook and ask them to stop advertising and selling your personal data, or to your nearest Church and ask them to stop lying about history.  The individuals, organizations, and systems that rule us and govern our lives are not going to change unless they collapse under their own dreadful weight.  So it is not your life mission to fix all of this!  And don't you dare shift that impossible mission of changing the world onto me just so you can feel that your life has meaning.  You are doing that only to validate your own convictions, which were only handed to you by the movement you subscribe to.  But where exactly are you in this?

Your life, your being, your existence has inherent meaning.  Your meaning is in your DNA, your unique experiences, your unique voice, your eyes, your smile, and your ideas.  Your meaning is in your uniqueness.  That's because we are all creatures of evolution.  The purpose of each organism is merely to be the unique genetic mutation that it is.  The extent to which that organism brings its uniqueness, its realness, its authenticity into the larger population is the extent to which a creature has life meaning.  The process of finding and expressing your meaning does not involve guilt, does not involve conforming to a social or political movement, and does not involve being an efficient robot.  Actually, it might simply be found in that list of simple things at the top of my post.  Those are the conditions that allow us to be fully human and to reach our potential as humans.

When our time is filled with more of these simple things that align with our nature, when we are expressing more of who we truly are in an authentic way, then we are actualizing ourselves and giving our lives the greatest possible meaning.  In the process, we're not exploiting, we're not shopping, we're not turning our minds over to propaganda, and we are naturally polluting less (without any effort or discipline). 

But how are we supposed to find time to do these things when we are worried about losing a job (and, thus, losing health insurance)?  How are we supposed to find people within this sick society who share this vision...this desire to live in a basic, human way without shame?  Those are really good questions.  Those are the questions I set out to explore when I left my gray office cube in Seattle more than 6 years ago and set out for a life of freedom based in Eastern Europe.   Those are the questions I've been addressing ever since on the Abscondo blog, in my music, and in my podcast.  There are many of us out here who have come to this logical conclusion about our place in the world.  As we listen to our inner-voices, as we get our hands dirty in the real world, as we cross barriers and break taboos, as we do those simple things that humans desire, all of the answers we need are beginning to take shape.  This is not hopeless after all.  More to come.

The Question of Love (podcast episode)

This week, we take a call from a listener who reached out to us with a deeply personal question.  Click on the gray box below to listen to this week's podcast.  Subscribe to our weekly podcast on iTunes.

 

Abscondo Podcast - 34 - The Question of Love

 

 

Not Everything Changes (Podcast episode)

I have a bit of advice for you.  Stop listening to advice!  To take advice with even a grain of salt is to take it too seriously.  I'm serious!

When I think about all of the advice I've received throughout my life, even from close friends or family members who supposedly care about me and want what's best for me...all I can say is that I'm thankful for all the times I just completely ignored it or did the exact opposite. 

The vast majority of advice is only what people use to explain away the things that they regret about their own lives.  One of the ways that people cope with their own regrets and their own struggles in life is by trying to convince themselves that whatever is wrong with their life was somehow inevitable or unavoidable.   And the easiest way they can convince themselves of this is by  convincing you of the same...that high school is the best time of your life, that you are not talented enough to achieve your wildest dreams, that marriage kills romance and passion, that once you are married you'll end up with a house in the suburbs, or that becoming a parent changes everything.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.  Sometimes advice really stings.  Sometimes (if we are among the lucky few) we actually like the way things are in our lives.  Sometimes we actually like the way we are.  So naturally, we don't want that which is working for us to change.  The advice and cliches of the world around us can create in us so much fear that, instead of moving on with our lives, we choose inaction.  It is this stagnation, mostly born out of fear, which should actually be the greatest fear.

I'm ashamed to say so now, but I guess Sofia and I were, ourselves, victims to a flood of bad advice not so long ago.  For years we put off having our first child because we feared that much of the advice we received from family, friends, and society in general was true.  Today we're here to let you know that it isn't true...when you have children, not everything changes.

Click on the gray box below to listen to this week's podcast (or download it wherever you normally find podcasts).

Abscondo Podcast - 33 - Not Everything Changes

            

My life expectations

Last week on the podcast, we talked about expectations in (as we always do) more "general terms".  We always try to take something personal and make it more general so that it, hopefully, applies to everyone.  We sometimes succeed (arguably) and sometimes fail (usually).  But I see this as the natural process of acquiring knowledge...observing details in the world around us and then attempting to draw larger conclusions.  This is, after all, the process by which wisdom is aquired (though not always successfully because our conclusions are not always correct).

I took the basic attitude that I don't really have any expectations of people, or that they are minimum at best.   We talked about realisitic vs. unrealistic expectations.  Sofia drove home the point that the only expectations she has are having to do with herself.  I said that expectations should be kept to a minimum, though at times they are necessary regardless of whether or not we are happier in the end because of them.

Due to the overwhelming feedback we received privately since the show, I realized in the week since this podcast that we have tapped into something both explosive and important.  In fact, a loyal listener wrote to me that she thinks I do, in fact, have expectations of others.  She used the example that, when my former band Sungod Abscondo broke-up...that I had expected better of my bandmates as friends, even as musicians.  Indeed, after investing so much of my time and energy, I was disappointed in the outcome of what I saw as unrealized potential.  We were potentially great because of our songs, but the project was eventually doomed to failure by pettiness and an overall lack of expectations by the others involved.  So I admit that my expectations of us were too high and that I was, indeed, let down.

I have done some soul-searching since last week's podcast on this topic.  I have always hoped that this podcast project would lead to exactly this...and I still hope for exactly that in the future.  No, I EXPECT it.  In fact, as I have learned since last week, I probably expect a lot.

First of all, as Sofia reminded us all so eloquently last week, there is nothing wrong with expecting a lot from ourselves.  I will be first in line to admit that I am far from a perfect man.  My life can be summarized by saying that I have been everything once.  I have walked the straight-and-narrow and indulged in all of the smugness that comes along with this path...this being young, avoiding experience (as we discussed in the "mental models" episode), this having yet to deal with any of the challenges which life has in store for each of us whether we know it or not in our youthful naivity.  I have blindly and sometimes foolishly also walked a path of exploration that has finally had the effect of prying away from me my idealism just as it has given me my voice and guided me toward my firm, adult identity which I have arrived at. 

In my life, I have also been the business revolutionary who executed on a social-networking idea that is far better than Twitter in 2001 and then sadly gave up on it before the world was ready.  I have been the political revolutionary who risked my job in 2002 to tell everyone I knew, even in the next cube, that the invasion of Iraq was a lie and that I was going out on the street to tell it like it is in protest.  I have also been the "lifestyle revolutionary" who decided to move to Eastern Europe without really making the sacrifices that usually come with escaping that gray cubical...all while starting a serious music project, podcast, and having a child at the same time. 

Now today, I am the still uninfluencial guy speaking the simple truth that the world economy is on the verge of collapse (at least the economy as we know it) due to demographic trends, debt, and bubbles.  I am also the guy saying that our values, our entire idea of life, will need to change in order to prepare for the next 8-12 years of this drastically different reality.  I am also the guy saying that I have some answers for that reality, which I hope I don't give up on before they become relevant.  In each of these cases, my failure is that I have been at least 4 years ahead of my time.  My unrealistic EXPECTATION is that people can understand or care and that there is anything at all I have to say or to do in life that amounts to anything worthwhile.  This, I can say truly without any sarcasm, is an enormous assumption.  But in some sense I don't actually care.  What I care about is that I find the strength and faith to do what I do anyway.  That is my expectaton of myself.

But now I'll move on to my main point.  I do have expectations.  You can be the judge of whether they are realistic, fair, or practical.  But it is my life and my set of expectations so I'm not ashamed to share some of them.

Firstly, at this moment and as I walk into my future, I have high expectations of myself.  I expect myself to give all that I am and all that I have to the love of my life, my perfect and beautiful life partner...and to our wonderful child.  I expect, based on my words, actions...based on each moment I spend with them...that they know how much I love them with each breath.   I expect that my wife and one soul-mate is the person I can share everything with...that nothing is more sacred than what we have and that I will always honor this.  I expect myself, as a capable man, to provide for my family financially.  I expect myself to show my parents, my extended family, even my in-laws, that I love them and value them completely...that I accept them unconditionally.   I expect to make my employer more money than they pay me because it is only right.  I expect not to be a burden on anyone and to earn my own keep.  I also expect, as a talented musician and creative intellectual, to do everything I possibly can do to bring that unique voice and set of ideas only I can provide to the world.  As Sofia said, these are the most important set of expectations...the ones we place on ourselves.  Mine are huge and yet entirely realisitic at the same time.  That's because I know who I am and I am who I say I am.

But if I'm being completely honest, there are also expectations I place on others.  I expect that the one and only love of my life is 100% "in on" our love the way I am even if I've not always been perfect.  I expect that she sees me for who I am, accepts me, and loves me unconditionally because I do just the same right back.  I expect friends (current or former) to not attempt to undermine me in any way or destroy me by using what I have offered of myself to them during a moment of trust and closeness.  That moment of trust is something sacred and should never be violated, lest a person lose all sense of integrity and self-respect.  I don't expect eternal friendship, but I do expect a basic level of respect, as a human-being, from someone who you've shared your heart with.  I also expect my family to love me as long as I show a basic level of love, respect, and sensitivity back.  I expect my government to maintain a basic level of human rights and fairness even dispite the political ambitions of any particular Party or individual politician.  I expect corporations to try as hard as they can not to destroy the world as quickly as they have been.  I expect to be treated with a basic level of respect by everyone unless I have intentionally harmed that person directly (in which case I will humbly take what is coming to me).  I expect that people do not judge what they cannot possibly understand.  I'll catch my breath and stop there.   I won't even get into my hopes and dreams.  Perhaps I'll save that for better times.  The world, as it is, is surely not ready.

To conclude this post, I can say that I agree completely with Sofia.  We should only expect anything from ourselves.  To expect anything at all from others, even at the most minimum level, is completely unrealistic.  Indeed, it is natural and healthy to have expectations of others because we need to fight for those minimum standards we require.  But, in the end, we can have no expectations at all that they will be met because everything is, indeed, completely outside of our control.  So the truth is that we can only hope, not expect.

Boxing out

In meeting new people, it is quite natural and healthy to perceive them through the lens of our past experience.  But the risk is that we rely so heavily on our ability to accurately put people into "boxes" that we miss the individual's uniqueness or authenticity. 

It is also true that, in today's fragmented world, it is becoming nearly impossible to meet people who fit all of our criteria.  So when we put people into a box, we actually end up boxing everybody out of our lives and end up in isolation.

Click the box below to listen to this week's podcast.

Abscondo Podcast - 20 - Boxing Out

On the natural conditions of love

My previous post about unconditional love requires that I go further.  Based on my understanding of how people think, no doubt the idea that we should approach romantic love without conditions seems radical...even absurd to many readers. 

One reason is that, perhaps, most people are not actually seeking (nor experiencing) the deepest and truest forms of love.  We are too afraid to give up our conditions, which we believe potentially protect us from the pain of heartbreak.  Let's be honest.  We are afraid that even if we were able to profess unconditional love, the object of our affection may not return it or, worse yet, may take advantage of it by acting selfishly.

Of course this would appear to be a legitimate objection to the idea I posed on Saturday.  I subsequently realized that, when I say "unconditional love", what I'm really talking about are the conditions that we artificially impose upon the object of our affection -- the threats, the conditions, the rules (such as the examples I provided in the last post).  However, it is not technically true that love is unconditional because, indeed, there are conditions that nature imposes...sort of natural conditions under which love is possible.

Love flourishes under conditions that are perhaps slightly different to each of us.  Some of us fall in love when the situation is dramatic or impossible, some of us feel love under conditions of kindness, or when the person shows true understanding, when we feel we are taken care of in some way, when we feel comfortable even in silence, when we are respected.  Indeed, there are some natural conditions each of us have for love whether we understand them exactly or not.

So how could I have said that love is unconditional?  I stand behind the belief that we cannot impose our conditions upon the other!  We cannot artificially impose our conditions because to do so means that we stop just short of love!  We may achieve a nice situation for a time, but not love in its truest form.  Love is not "I'll watch your child as long as she behaves".  Love is "I'm committed to this child for my entire lifetime."  Love asks us to accept the other person (though certainly not all their behaviors) and ask primarily of ourselves.  Love works when we look inward -- asking ourselves what kind of person we want to be for the other, what kind of love we want to create, what kind of person we want to become. Love works when we understand that our own decisions and actions have an impact on the kind of love we experience.  This is the opposite of how most people look at it (looking only externally, at the other).

In my previous post, I mentioned the traditional marriage vows and suggest that I literally agree with the notion of "for better or for worse."  I don't think anyone should walk down the isle unless they mean this, literally.  However, I will say that, in practical terms, those vows were probably not created to convey the exact meaning of what I'm saying.  Traditionally, those vows were meant to mean that the wife was to accept the husband for better or for worse.  Of course the woman was meant to behave and obey (not to cause any "worse" stuff herself)!  Of course I thoroughly believe in equality, so I'm saying that this notion must apply to both.

So let's get very specific and practical about this.  Let's imagine a hypothetical where a woman falling in love decides to give her partner the kind of unconditional love I have described.  Let's say her partner immediately decides to take advantage of the situation -- he sleeps with another woman!  He does so because he truly does not fear that she will leave him for it.  However, in doing so he also fails to understand the natural conditions of love.  While she has professed unconditional love for him, she did not promise to feel no pain.  Even after this deed, she continues to love him unconditionally and eternally, but his selfish actions have damaged her in many ways.  What he must understand is that, while she will not leave him or stop loving him for his selfish actions, he has created very negative consequences in his own life.  He has diminished the value of that relationship by doing things which have caused pain, which have failed to live up to the natural conditions upon which love can live and grow! 

Under these conditions, she may even decide to do the same...to sleep with another man.  This time he is truly tested.  Does he also accept the notion of unconditional love or does he immediately leave her for committing the same act he just did?  See, she promised him unconditional love...not that she would behave and obey under any and all circumstances!  See, if he leaves, then she has actually remained true to unconditional, eternal love.  The situation has resolved itself without her having to violate this highest ideal! 

But if both parties are truly committed to this kind of love, then our imaginary couple would each look inside themselves and ask themselves what kind of relationship, what kind of "life reality" they want and what are the behavioral conditions necessary to create it.  In short, unconditional love is not a promise that real feelings, real reactions, real consequences do not exist!  It is simply a promise to remain completely, eternally open to the one we love.  It is also a promise not to impose upon the other; rather, to accept and embrace the other as we ask of ourselves.  Any objection to any behavior by the other must be done in the language of, "When you do this it makes me feel this way or has these consequences."  From that point, it is up to the other to decide what to do.

So the kind of unconditional love I described in my previous post is not a free pass.  Just as those who live without fear of religion are perfectly capable of becoming moral people (sometimes more so than religious people), those who create a relationship based on unconditional love may also find themselves respecting each other with their behavior.  They do this not from fear but from understanding!  They understand love's value and do not recklessly set out to undermine the natural conditions upon which love can flourish.

Love is unconditional

Do I dare talk of love?  Well, I will not be so bold and naive as to attempt to define what love is.  I have no problem, however, asserting what love is not. 

How can anyone put conditions on love and still call it love?  Isn't conditional love nothing more than a nice arrangement, an enjoyable situation, a temporary state that exists only as long as certain conditions exist?  When we attempt to make love conditioned upon what the object of our affection says or doesn't say...does or doesn't do...then, sadly, we are actually failing to love in the first place.

It is so very common to hear people "qualify" love by saying things like:

• I will love him as long as he makes me happy
• I will love her as long as she is always honest
• I will love her as long as she is faithful (this one nearly everyone agrees on)
• I will love him as long as he is kind to me, shows proper respect to me, whatever.

These kinds of common statements should be challenged if we actually are seeking true love! 

When we love, do we not embrace everything about the person?  Her perfections and imperfections, her laughter and her shouts, her gentle touch and her bad habits, her generosity as well as her selfish needs, the way she is now as well as the way she has been and will be?  Do we love the person or a set of behaviors?  Do we love the arrangement or the soul, itself, which has merged with our own?!?  And when we proclaim love for a person, are we not meant to be proclaiming something that is never-ending? 

Most people actually do understand the concept of unconditional love when it comes to their children.  We do not so easily disown children as we so easily toss aside lovers or spouses.  Yet how strange that is, since romantic love asks for all of our being while parenthood requires only parts.

"Modern-thinking" people so easily sneer at those traditional marriage vows, "For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, until death do we part."  These days people tend to agree that such a notion is quaint; that to walk away from a relationship when things "don't work out" is the right thing to do.  These same people will never love in the truest sense because love is not an arrangement!  Love is the merging of two souls at a level so deep that they become one and cannot be separated under any circumstance!  

When two people open their hearts to unconditional love, what they find is something so real, so secure that they can comfortably fall into the hands of love without fear.  They can be free, they can discuss anything, pursue anything.  Their love creates a positive, never-ending feedback loop.  It is a spiral in which there is no tug-of-war between two beings but there is, instead, a constant never-ending source of growth and even newness.

 I have a feeling I'm not finished with this topic...

Parenting podcast

Abscondo Podcast - 14 - Parenting

This week we thought we'd cover one of the most practical, down-to-earth topics of all.  You can blame Isabella for this one. :-)